Take a Sad Song and Make It Better
by lovemesomehungergames1029
Summary: AU Katniss Everdeen feels very at peace with her life. She has a family who she loves and a boyfriend who she adores. But one night, things spiral so far out of control, Katniss doesn't know how she will be able to move on. Can her family, friends, and a certain blond, blue-eyed boy be able to save her from herself? Or will she fall deeper into the dark pit that awaits her...
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Thank you so much for taking interest in this story. I have been debating whether or not to sit down and write it, as it has been sitting in my brain for a LONG time now, so I figured I would give it a shot. This is my first story, and I have never written anything bigger than a college paper, so hopefully it isn't too bad. I am OBSESSED with The Hunger Games and all it's characters, so it only felt right to write a story with them. It might take a few chapters to get into it, but I promise you this is a HEAVY Everlark story, as I am an avid shipper. I want to apologize in advance, as the first few chapters of this story contain intense subject matter, and can be triggering for some. I just feel like I really needed to write it this way to be able to have the full effect of the whole story. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I also apologize for any typos or mistakes, I don't have a beta and I do the best just proofreading I can. I really hope you enjoy it, and don't worry, the whole story is not angst, I intend to include fluff. Thanks!**

**I do not own the Hunger Games or any of it's characters, they belong to the incredible Suzanne Collins.**

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Chapter 1

"Come on Katniss, hurry up! We're late!" I can hear Cato's frustrated voice calling me from the living room. "I'll be right there, just give me one minute" I call back. "That's what you said half an hour ago" I hear him mumble in response. I chuckle to myself, thinking how lucky up until tonight he has been with me. On most days, I'm usually the one that's ready before him, with the amount of time he spends primping in front of the mirror, only to come out looking the same as the way he went in.

However, today I was a little late getting off work and then got stuck in traffic on the way home, along with all the other patrons of the highway. Tonight is Cato's brother, Brutus', 21st birthday party, and Cato being Cato, couldn't wait to show up and start drinking, despite being only 19. They were hosting the party at the house Brutus shares with his two other friends, and since I was only 17 myself, I told Cato I would drive him home at the end of the night, giving him to green light in his mind to get plastered. I've only drunk alcohol a couple of times, but I've never gotten drunk or wasted. And it wasn't even because I was a wimp or that I was against underage drinking, I simply didn't like the taste of alcohol and it just wasn't fun for me. Cato, on the other hand, enjoys drinking very much, and having an older brother who had connections means he has been at it for a long time. Now that said brother is 21 and can buy his own drinks, I've taken it upon myself to keep an eye on Cato and make sure he gets home safe. Not that I really mind anyways, it gives me a good excuse not to have to drink when others try to push it on me.

I'm just putting the finishing touches on my outfit, a somewhat elegant tube top black dress that comes down just above my knees and a pair of black gladiator shoes with a slight heel to them, when my mother stops in my door way.

"Oh my, you look so pretty!" she exclaims. I roll my eyes at her and give her a half-hearted smile, looking in the mirror again at myself. I'm really nothing to look at, with medium height and slender build, dull grey eyes and boring, wavy brown hair. I've never been able to take compliments well from anyone, especially my mother. I mean, really, what's she going to do? Tell me I'm ugly? Of course she thinks I look pretty, she's my mother, which makes her compliments unreliable.

"Thanks mom." I reply. I really do love her, but right now I just want to get out of this house and to the party, sparing myself more of her compliments as well as Cato's inevitable annoyance over the time. I grab my purse off my desk and try to squeeze past her, but she stops me before I'm able to make it out of my room.

"Honey, I know you don't want to hear it, but I really wish you would think higher of yourself. You're so beautiful and I just wish you would see yourself the way everyone else sees you." I let out a frustrated sigh and give her an annoyed look. "Mom! I have to go! Cato is waiting for me and we're already late as it is."

She smiles at me and puts a hand on my shoulder. "I know, I know. Just please be careful tonight coming home, there's a lot of drunk drivers on the road late at night, and I worry about you coming back so late. And please, if you do decide to drink, just call your father or I and one of us will come pick the two of you up. We won't be mad, we just want you to be safe." I give her a 'please let me go now smile' and finally push past her. I walk into the living room to find Cato playing a card game with my little 13-year-old sister Prim.

"Oh Katniss, you look so beautiful!" She beams at me. "I wish I looked like you!" I just let out a big sigh. What is it with this family and trying to tell me something that's obviously not true? "Oh no, not this again. I've had enough of this kind of talk tonight. Cato, are you ready to go?"

"Yeah." He says getting up off the couch and patting Prim on the head. "Sorry Primmy, we're gonna have to finish this game some other time." He gives my mom, who had followed me down the hall, a big smile and we head out to my car, which I'm letting him drive to the party. I'm just about to open my door when he grabs me by my shoulders, turning me around, and pushing me up gently against the car. "She's right you know, you do look very beautiful. And also extremely fucking sexy." He gives me a big smile and leans down to press his lips to mine. I return the kiss, letting the unwanted compliment slide, when I feel both of his hand snake around my back and cup each side of my butt. He gives it a hard squeeze, causing me to push him away. "Cato, what are you doing? My parents could be watching us!" He just gives me a sexy chuckle and lets me go. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself." He says as he opens the car door for me. I give him a scowl and slide into my seat, watching as he runs around to the drivers' side.

I adore Cato, but he knows how I feel about PDA, and our sex life in general. I just feel like those kind of things should be kept between us, I don't really want the whole world knowing about what we do behind closed doors. I started dating him right after my 16th birthday, he was 18 at the time, and he patiently waited until I was ready to have sex, four months later. I told him I was ready, but the truth is I felt like I was disappointing him by not embracing the sexual side of himself he wanted to share with me. He never pressured me, but rather slipped in a comment here and there about how he just wanted me to trust him. This is what made me feel guilty, because it wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was that I just didn't feel if I was ready to share such a private side of myself with someone I had only been with for a short time, especially when he was my first every boyfriend. In the end, I ended up losing my virginity to him, and it really wasn't anything to write home about. It actually hurt. A lot. He shrugged it off and told me I would get used to the sensation and it wouldn't hurt so badly the next time, and to an extent he was right. Since then, we've had a steady sex life, the pain slowly subsiding but never fully going away for me. I didn't even have an orgasm the first time, and have only had a few in the almost year and a half we've been having sex. I don't know what it is, but most of the time I just tense up and can't finish. I don't tell him this, however, because I don't want him to feel like it's his fault. I know it's important to be able to talk about these things with the person you're being intimate with, but I just don't want to bring it up. In my opinion, as long as he's happy and can finish, that's all that really matters to me.

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The ride over to Brutus' house is silent, Cato holding my hand over the center counsel and turning to give me a smile. I smile back, hoping to just get this night over with so I can go back home and get a good night sleep and enjoy my day off from work tomorrow. I love being around Cato, but there's only so much fun I can have being sober and hanging around a bunch of wasted 21 year olds.

We pull up to the house and have to park a few blocks away because of how late we were getting here. I can hear the music pumping from the house already, and know I am in for a long, long night. Cato puts a big, muscled arm around my shoulder as we're walking up to the house and leans into my ear, whispering, "Get ready for a night to remember."

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Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think about the first chapter if you want, reviews are always appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**AN: This chapter contains rape and may be triggering for some readers. Reader discretion is advised.**

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"Oh my god, that was awesome." I hear Cato drunkenly slur from the back seat of the car.

"I'm glad you had fun." I say as I give him a smile in the rearview mirror. It's just past 1:00 am and we're on our way back to Cato's parents' house.

The party was all right; I drank soda while sitting on the couch listening to music coming out of the huge speakers in the living room. I smiled and engaged in friendly conversations with the less-drunk people who had wandered into the room to come sit.

But most of the night, I just sat on my phone talking to one of my best friends Johanna who was live-texting me the horrible date she was on with a guy from our school named Marvel.

He had asked her out last weekend, and somehow decided it was a good idea to make their first date a trip to the Ancient Artifacts and Lost Civilizations museum. I love Johanna to death, but she is not the type of person you take to a museum at all, let alone on a first date. Needless to say, I doubt she'll give him another chance.

By the end of the night, I was stuck carrying/dragging a plastered Cato back to my car and plopping him down in the back seat.

"Oh, I had so much fun, Brutus is so fun, his friends are so fun, and every one there was just…"

"So fun?" I finish his sentence for him. He laughs and says "Yeah, fun." He goes quiet for a few seconds and then says "Except you. I wish you would drink with me some time, I know you would like it."

I chuckle and tell him "Maybe, but then who would drive you home?"

"True." He says matter-of-factly, dropping the subject and closing his eyes. I have a feeling he's going to have a very unpleasant headache tomorrow morning.

We pull up to his house and I turn the car off and get out to help him out of the back seat. We stumble up to his front door and he hands me his house keys. I let us into the darkened home; his parents are out of town for the weekend, and turn on some of the lights.

I let him lean on me while I make my way to his room, turning on the light and depositing him on his back on the bed. I sit next to him on the bed and begin removing his shoes, tossing them on the floor, trying to make him more comfortable.

He looks at me, smiling, and says, "You're the best, you know that?"

I smile at him, brushing some hair off of his forehead tenderly, and say "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say". As I brush it away, I realize just how attractive Cato actually is, especially when compared with my less then stellar looks. He has fairly short blond hair and intense blue eyes.

I'm always thinking how lucky I am someone who looks like him would even give me the time of day, let alone date me for so long.

He sits up suddenly and gives me an intense look with his bright eyes. "No, I mean it. You really are."

"Well, thank"-

I'm in the middle of answering him when he crashes his lips into mine, completely surprising me. He shoves his tongue into my mouth, and I can taste the pungent liquor on his breath.

His hands move to hold my hips, and I gently push him away gently, saying, "Come on Cato, you're drunk. You need to get some sleep."

He doesn't hear a word I say, and crashes his lips into mine again, this time with much more force and urgency. I push him away again, rougher this time, and say firmly "No, Cato. I'm not doing this right now. Please, just get some sleep and I'll talk to you in toe morning."

I stand up off the bed and am headed to leave, when I feel him roughly grab my wrist and swing me around to face him. He's standing up now and, even though I'm used to his size, he still looks extremely big and overbearing in this small room.

"Come on Kat, stay the night," he slurs at me, "You're parents won't care, they know you're safe with me, I love you."

I look at him with as much confidence as I can muster and tell him, "Cato, I love you too, but I'm not going to do that with you when you're this drunk. And trust me, they will care, and I'd rather not have to explain to them why I didn't come- "

I don't get a chance to finish what I was saying because the next second Cato has me pressed up against the wall, shoving his tongue down my throat as far as it would go. I let out a muffle protest and push him back roughly.

He looks down at me and his eyes show more anger than I've ever seen; I almost want to cry I'm so instantly scared. This is not the sweet, trusting Cato I know.

I don't even know this person.

He grabs me by my shoulders, pulling me forward a bit and shoving me back hard into the wall. I hear the pictures hanging behind me rattle when my head into contact with the wall, causing instant pain in the back of my skull. When I open my eyes to look at him, I'm seeing stars.

"You ugly, fat little bitch, why can't you ever just be a good girlfriend and give me what I want? Do you know how lucky you are to be with me?

All I do is fucking wait and wait for you, but you never seem to care about what I want. It's always 'me me me' with you and I'm fucking SICK of it!"

I'm starting to really panic and make a futile attempt to calms him down, telling him in a trembling voice, "Cato, let me go. Please, you're scaring me."

"Shut up!" he screams at me, shoving me into the wall again, much harder this time. Next I feel his big, meaty hand lock around my throat. I don't have time to react before I feel myself being lifted up off the ground by my neck, the air in my lungs slowly being constricted. I grab at his hand, trying to loosen his grip, and failing.

He leans down and growls into my ear, "That's it. I'm fucking done with you. I've put up with your bullshit long enough. You need to be taught that you are mine, and I will do with you what I want."

I can't even register what he says because my vision is starting to go black around the edges from lack of oxygen.

"I can't breathe…. I can't brea…" I manage to squeak out before he bangs me up against the wall again and lets me go, my body sliding down the wall and landing on the floor at his feet. I cough wildly and try to regain my breath.

My mind instantly starts searching for a way out. _I have to get out of here_ I think to myself.

Before I can come up with a plan, I feel Cato grab me hard by my ankles and drag me away from the wall to the middle of the room. I turn onto my stomach and try to crawl away from him, but he's just too strong.

I start kicking and flailing my legs as hard as I can, screaming "HELP! HELP ME!" at the top of my lungs, hoping one of the neighbors might hear.

When he finally gets me to the middle of the room, he flips me over and straddles my waist, putting all his weight on top of me. I look up at him and my eyes widen in fear as he punches me so hard on my cheek I swear I hear a crack and start to feel a ringing sound in my ears.

My head is spinning as I look at him. He's screaming at me, inches away from my face, although I can't pick up what he's saying because of the ringing.

He hits me again; equally as hard in the same place, on my cheekbone, and this time I don't think I'm going to recover. I am struggling to keep my eyes open as the blackness starts creeping in, when I feel him take both of my wrists in one of his massive hands and pin them to the floor above my head.

I am slightly aware of his other hand pushing my dress up and fumbling with the edge of my underwear, pulling them down to my ankles, but not taking them off completely.

My hearing returns for a few seconds, just in time to hear the buckle of his belt coming undone and hitting the wood floor as he pushes his pants down to his knees.

I hear him say, still drunk, in a much calmer, soothing voice, "This will only take a minute, I promise. Trust me baby, you'll like it. Just remember I love you."

I feel the tears prick my eyes, and try to tell myself that this isn't love. This isn't Cato, the gentle person I have cared about for so long.

The pain I feel next is the most excruciating thing I've ever felt in my life. He rams himself into me without warning, over and over again, and I feel like my lower section is on fire. The pain is so intense; I am seeing white and I just can't find the strength to fight him back.

I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and when they spill over they are hot against my skin. "No, Cato, please stop!" I manage to choke out in a low, weak voice between the sobs that are wracking my body.

I don't know how long this goes on for, only that my mind is shutting out the pain of what is happening, letting the occasional "Please" or "No" slip softly from my mouth.

The tears are pouring down my face by the time I hear his loud moans fill the room, "Oh yeah baby, I'm almost there."

A few seconds later I feel him twitch inside of me, releasing himself and collapsing his body on top of mine. He lies there for a few seconds before rolling off of me onto the floor. I lay there silent, in shock.

This feels like a nightmare, and maybe if I lay here long enough I will wake up.

All I know is that I have to get out of here.

I slowly sit up, grunting slightly with heavy breaths, disoriented. I slowly turn my head and look at Cato, who is lying on the floor next to me, breathing deeply, trying to catch his breath.

I start to stand up ,trying to ignore the pain in my head as the blood rushes there, and begin slowly walking out of the room.

I don't make it very far before I almost trip due to my panties that are still around my ankles. I bend over and pull them back up, my movements slow and deliberate, but not before noticing the long, dark streak of blood running down my inner thigh.

I wipe it away with my hand and grab my purse that had fallen on the floor. I sluggishly walk out of his room, and the closer I get to the front door the faster my pace gets.

By the time I'm outside I am running/staggering as fast as I can to my car, the tears pouring down my face. I get into the driver's seat, and buckle up, hands shaking and fumbling to put the key in the ignition as I back out of the driveway.

And I just start driving.

I have no idea where I'm going; all I know is that I have to get as far away from the house as possible.

About 10 minutes later I pull off to the side of the deserted road, open my door, lean out of the car and throw up. I heave and heave, and it just keeps coming. After a few minutes, I lean back in and pull the door closed, and sit there breathing deeply.

All the sudden the floodgates reopen and I'm crying hysterically. I lean my head forward and put it on the wheel while the cries tear through my body.

I sit there thinking _how can these sounds be coming from me? Just a few hours ago I was having a good time at a party with my boyfriend. _

I finally get myself under control and try to think of what I have to do next_. Should I go home?_

_No, _I tell myself. _No, I can't go home and let my parents see me like this._

The slicing pain radiating from my cheek and the back of my head tell me I need to get to a hospital.

I reach into my purse, intending on calling 911 to come pick me up, but when I press the home button on my phone, it doesn't light up.

It's dead.

I look at the clock on my dashboard, and see that it's a quarter after three in the morning. I take a deep breath, trying to figure out where I am. My vision is still a little fuzzy, but I know I have to get myself to a hospital, and soon.

I drive a little ways up the street until I recognize a street sign, and it's another 20 minutes until I reach the Emergency Room parking lot at Capitol General. I take a few deep breaths and turn off the car, put the keys in my purse and bring it with me as I step out and begin making my way to the front doors.

As I walk I feel a horrible burning sensation between my legs, but at this point I feel like my body is on auto-polite, going through the motions.

I walk into the emergency room and up to the front desk, noticing the looks I'm getting from the small amount of people in the waiting room. When I reach the desk, the women sitting behind it looks at me with a startled expression. I'm sure I look like an absolute mess.

"Hi honey, what can I help you with?" she says in a soothing voice. I just sort of stare at her for a minute, not knowing how to answer her. When I finally speak up, I am shocked at the sound coming from me. This is not my voice.

"Uhm, I –I th-think…."

_Oh my god just say it! _I tell myself.

The nurse is looking expectantly at me, seeming concerned with the way I am acting. "M-my boyfriend just… he just… uhh r-raped me." I manage to get out.

To hear those words come out of my mouth feels like I'm living a different life. Like there's absolutely no way I'm standing here right now, in the ER, telling this nurse what someone who supposedly loved me just did to my body.

Her eyes go wide as she looks at me, immediately talking into a radio sitting on her desk. I try to focus but can't hear what she's saying.

My hearing is starting to fade again, along with my vision, and everything else. I sense the blackness creeping in, but this time I feel like my legs can't hold me up any longer.

The last thing I see before everything goes black as my body hits the floor is the nurse running around the desk to get to me, and behind her a few other nurses wearing scrubs rushing down the hall towards us.

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**Thank you so much for reading, I hope you like it so far! I know this is intense subject matter. Please review and you can find me on tumblr at lovemesomehungergames1029 :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thank you so much for everyone who followed/favorited this story, and a special shout out to XCadenceEverdeenX for my first ever review! **

**Also, I have no medical training whatsoever and the internet is only so reliable, so I apologize for any medical inaccuracies!**

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Chapter 3

I wake up in a hospital bed, surrounded by nurses. They are talking to each other, but I can't make out their words, save for a few like "tear" and "protection".

I don't remember how I got here; all I can register is the ringing in my head and the searing pain between my legs.

They are propped up in stirrups at the end of the bed, and when I look down I see one of the nurses sitting on a stool between my legs, and I think she is using swabs to collect samples.

_Samples of what? _I wonder

I see another person behind her taking pictures of the area with a large camera. I would be concerned about being so exposed, especially to someone taking pictures, but I can't bring myself to focus on it for too long.

Each time the flash from the camera goes off, a piercing pain slices through my skull. I don't even feel what the nurse between my legs is doing anymore, the area feeling like it has been numbed.

Another nurse at the head of the bed is shining a light in my eye, trying to talk to me. I can barely make out what she's saying, something like "Miss? Miss can you hear me?"

I begin to nod before the blackness takes over again and I pass out, my head hitting the bed.

* * *

I awake again some time later, alone in the room, except for a nurse standing next to me, writing something down on a clipboard.

"Where am I?" I croak out, my throat dry and scratchy.

"You're in the hospital, Miss. You drove yourself here last night." She answers in a calming voice. I close my eyes and lean back, trying to get past the throbbing in my head.

"Can I have some water?" I ask her.

"Of course." She answers, pouring me some water into a cup sitting next to the bed. She hands it to me and I take a big gulp, the water burning my dry throat as it slides down. I finish the cup and she pours me another.

"Can I ask you what your name is sweetie? We found an ID in the bag you brought in with you, but could you confirm it for me?" she asks.

"Katniss Everdeen." I tell her.

She nods and goes to stand up. "I am going to go get the doctor, and he will be here in a minute. Will you be okay by yourself for a few minutes?"

I look up at her to get a good look. She has very pale skin and some of the reddest hair I've ever seen. I look at her name tag, but trying to read that far away is making my head throb.

I give her a nod and she walks out of the room, leaving me in silence.

_What happened last night? _I ask myself.

The last thing I remember is driving Cato home and setting him on his bed, anything after that is a blur.

_Why am I in the hospital? _

I look around the room. It's glaringly white, save for a painting with a bright dandelion on the opposite wall. The picture is really calming and I feel relaxed for a moment.

I look at the bedside table and read the time on the clock that is there: 5:30 am.

The door to the room opens and a doctor walks through wearing light blue scrubs and a white doctor's coat. He reaches his hand out to me to introduce himself.

"Hello Ms. Everdeen, my name is Dr. Heavensbee, and I have been the doctor assigned to your case since you brought yourself here last night."

I shake his hand, although what he is saying doesn't make any sense.

_Why would I drive myself to the hospital?_ This not remembering thing is beginning to frustrate me, so I figure I better ask him what happened.

"Hello Dr. Heavensbee, it's nice to meet you." I say. "Could you tell me what I'm doing here? I am having a hard time remembering anything from last night."

The look he gives me after I ask him this is one of pure sadness.

I can see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to find the best way to tell me something he thinks I'm obviously not going to like.

His silence is starting to unnerve me, and I can feel the panic starting to rise in my chest.

"Doctor, what happened to me?" I ask curiously but firmly. He clears his throat and begins to speak.

"I think you are having trouble remembering the events of last night because when you came to us you had a serious concussion, causing you to black out numerous times throughout the night. You also have a pretty bad bruise on your cheek and partially cracked cheekbone.

But, when you came here last night, the nurse at the front desk happened to catch the last thing you said right before you collapsed." He hesitates before going on, while I give him an expectant look.

"Ms. Everdeen, you managed to tell the nurse last night that your boyfriend had just sexually assaulted you. Due to this statement we were compelled to run some tests on you while you were unconscious, and, I am very sorry, but unfortunately our tests were a positive confirmation of your statement".

I scowl and look at him like he has three heads.

_What the hell is he talking about? _I ask myself.

_Why is he saying that Cato sexually assaulted me? Cato is always so sweet, there's no way he would hurt me, let alone rape me. _

The Doctor sees the look I'm giving him, and gives me a very sad look in return.

"Do you remember anything from last night?" he asks me softly. I shake my head.

"Not really, the last thing I remember is driving my boyfriend home after a party and walking him to his room, and then…"

I don't get to finish my thought as my head starts throbbing. I cradle it, putting my hands over my face. My breathing picks up as the memories come flooding back to me like a freight train.

_Cato, whispering in my ear_.

No_._

_Cato, slamming me against the wall_.

No this isn't real_._

_Cato, pinning my hands above my head, the cold wood of the floor pushing against them_.

No, no, no. I can feel the tears streaming down my face_. _

_The sound of his belt as it clatters to the floor, along with his pants. The feeling of him violating my most private area, and area he's never shown anything but affection for. _

I all the sudden can't breathe.

_The tears on my face, begging him to please stop. The feeling of him shuddering above me, claiming my body for himself against my will._

I don't even realize I'm screaming until I hear the Doctor call for backup.

I hear people rush into the room, and feel someone push me back against the bed.

"NO!" I scream at them.

"NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! GET OFF OF ME! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP! PLEASE, NO!" I feel myself being restrained as the tears are flooding down the hot skin on my face.

I feel my body start to convulse and I cannot stop shaking.

All of the sudden I feel a cooling sensation go up my arm, and look over just in time to see a nurse putting something into my IV.

"No please don't!" I sob hysterically at her. "Please don't hurt me!"

I feel the blackness creep into the edges of my vision before I feel my body slump against the bed.

* * *

I wake up later feeling extremely groggy, like I had slept for days.

Upon opening my eyes, I look over and see my mother sitting in a chair beside my bed, my father standing behind her, a hand on her shoulder.

My mother looks grief-stricken with tear tracks down her pale cheeks. My father looks as though he is wound up and could snap at any moment, a stoic expression on his face.

They're both staring at the floor with red-rimmed eyes, obviously having been crying.

"Mom?" I moan out.

She looks up at me and I immediately see some form of relief in her eyes.

"Oh thank god! Oh, baby, I'm so sorry." She cries as she shoots out of the chair and rushes over to my bedside to pull me into a tight hug.

She immediately starts crying, and I don't realize I am too until I feel the tears sliding down my cheek, dampening her shirt.

I tuck my face into the crook of her neck, trying to hold back the whimpers that are threatening to escape.

I feel my father move over to sit on the bed and hug us both, resting his chin on the top of my head and closing his eyes, letting a few tears slip down his olive skin.

"Mommy." I sob into her shirt. "I'm so sorry Mommy. I'm so, so sorry." I bawl, chanting the phrase like a prayer.

"Shhhh baby, it's okay. You're okay. Shhh it's not your fault. It's not your fault, baby." I hear her repeat over and over through her tears and her trembling voice.

I don't know how long we sit there, holding each other, whispering apologies and reassurances. Minutes? Hours? Days?

It all feels the same to me.

I hear someone come into the room and look over to see Dr. Heavensbee enter with a small, sad smile on his face.

"Hello Katniss. I hope it's okay that we took the initiative and called your parents for you since you are only seventeen."

"Of course it is." I reply, relieved that they are here.

"I would like to go over everything with you before you are discharged today, if that's alright?" I give him a nod.

He nods back and continues. "I already told you about your concussion, which we have monitored to make sure it didn't get any worse. It seems fine, and as long as you take it easy you should be feeling better in no time.

The crack on your cheekbone was very slight, so we do not need to operate on it. Again if you just take it easy, it should heal in due time, along with the bruise."

I nod again and wait for him to continue. He looks at my parents hesitantly, but goes on.

"When you were brought in last night, you had a bad tear in the lining surrounding the opening of your vaginal wall. We stitched it up for you, and in a few weeks you will need to come back and get the stitches removed.

We also noted that your assailant did not use any form of protection, so we went ahead and administered an emergency pregnancy preventative pill for you, just to be safe, not only from pregnancy but also any STDs."

I look at him and try to comprehend everything he is telling me, but I am too ashamed to look at my parents. All of the sudden I don't feel comforted having them near.

_How can they even stand to be around me after what the Doctor just said? _

"The best thing you can do now is to go home to get some rest and take it easy, not too much physical exertion. Also, I think it would be helpful if you maybe gave counseling some consideration. I know these situations can sometimes be extremely hard to deal with psychologically, and it's always good to be able to talk to someone who knows how to help. If you think that is an option for you, I can recommend a few therapists."

I nod at him and my father gives me a kiss on the top of my head and follows the Doctor out of the room to get the number of the therapist he recommends.

My mother looks down at me with a sad smile, kissing me on my forehead, trying to reassure me.

"You're going to be okay, baby. We're going to get through this together, I promise."

I try to smile back at her, but I don't think it even comes close to reaching my eyes. I have never felt more ashamed or exposed in my life, and the fact that my parents know what happened is turning my stomach.

I get dressed in the clothes my mom brought from home, being careful of my new stitches, and am discharged from the hospital.

Walking to the car with my parents, the sun is just going down, dipping below the horizon.

The sky is orange and yellow with a hint of pink, but not a bright shade of orange, only the soothing shade a sunset can give.

A million thoughts run through my mind at once as we pull out of the parking lot.

_How am I going to get through this? _

_No one will ever want me again._

_I don't even want me, how will someone else?_

_How can my parents even stand to look at me after what I've done? _

_I know this is all my fault, how will I ever live with what I've done?_

_I should have fought him off. _

_I should have fought harder._

_It's my fault I didn't._

_I let this happen._

_It's all my fault._

I sigh, close my eyes, and lean my head against the window, wondering if I will ever find a way to quiet this new voice inside my head, even though I know it's right.

* * *

Thanks for reading, please feel free to leave a review! I want to know what you guys think! As always you can find me here or on tumblr at lovemesomehungergames1029 ;)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

When we get home, the first thing I notice is Prim's absence.

"We dropped her off at Rue's house on our way to the hospital." My mother tells me. I nod, thinking it's better that she's not here right now.

_I would hate for her to see what I've done to myself._

The three of us stand in the living room, none of us knowing what to say or do next. My mother starts first, "Honey, can I get you anything? Are you hungry, I can make you something to eat?"

I shake my head softly at her, noting the feeling of her grasping at straws. My father still hasn't said anything; I can only imagine how disappointed he is in me right now.

I can't say that I blame him.

"No, I think I'm just going to go lay down for a bit. I'm kinda tired." I tell her in a low, raspy voice. I wonder if my voice will ever go back to sounding like it used to.

She gives me a very small smile and comes over to give me a light hug.

"Okay," she says, "Let me know if you need anything. We can talk after you've rested, if you'd like." I give her a small nod, knowing full well the last fucking thing I want to do is talk about what happened.

I don't look at my father as I slowly shuffle down the hall to my room. I open the door, stand in the threshold and look around. I take in the olive-green walls, as well as the dark green accent wall on the other side of the room. It's been painted this way since I moved from the nursery into this room when I was three.

My dad is an avid adventurer and hunter, and living in a small town such as ours, Panem, on the outskirts of the forest has only gone on to fuel that fire in him. He's been taking me out to hike, hunt, fish, and camp practically since I could walk, so it was a no-brainer when the decision came on the color for my room.

He wanted to bring the woods to me so I would always feel at home. Now I wonder if I will ever see those woods again.

I take in the rest of the room: the Queen-size bed with a dark brown comforter; my full length mirror which hides my limited amount of clothing; my Green Day poster hanging on my wall (I don't care what anyone says, they will always be my favorite band); and my cream-colored dresser with pictures of my friends and I scattered on it.

I walk up to the dresser to take a closer look at one of the pictures of our group.

It was from junior prom last year.

My best girlfriends Johanna, Annie, Madge, Delly and I are standing in the front, with the guys behind us.

Gale has had a crush on Madge since we were in elementary school, so he was over the moon when I became friends with her in 8th grade, even though he was already in 9th grade. After teasing the hell out of him, he finally got up the nerve to ask her to prom last year, and she quickly accepted.

And then there was Finnick. Oh, Finn. The same age as Gale and built like a Greek God from being on a swim team since before he could walk, I don't think I've ever met a more outgoing, hilarious, completely self-obsessed person in my life. He has so many great qualities, but God help his promiscuity and lack of filter. I always though he and Johanna would go well together, due to her also lacking the ability to control what comes out of her mouth.

We all know his playboy, too-hot-to-trot personality is mostly a mask though, because he is head over heals in love with Annie. He could literally have any girl he wants, literally ANY one of them, and he chose sweet, shy Annie who is the nicest person on the planet, with her flawless porcelain skin and dark auburn hair. Finn transferred from California when he was in 9th grade, became friends with Gale, so by extension becoming friends with the rest of us. i wouldn't have had it any other way.

He took interest in Annie right away, but it wasn't until he was in 11th grade when his persistence in pursuing her finally paid off and they started dating, having been together ever since.

She grounds him and he makes her more confident in herself; they are the perfect couple.

Delly and Johanna are in the middle of the picture, with Delly's friend Thom behind her. He didn't go to school with us, so no one knew him really well, but we all found him to be a quite, sweet person and he fit right in with our group.

Johanna did not have a date that year, claiming she "didn't need a man in her life" and that it was "better if she didn't have a date anyways so she could steal Glimmer Davis' date by the end of the night." Little did we know she would actually succeed, making Glimmer hate her even more. If that were even possible.

I wore a green, floor length, sleeveless dress with jeweled "diamonds" around the top with matching silver shoes. Prim and my mother had fussed over my makeup for hours and curled my long hair, claiming that there's only one prom and I needed to have good pictures to show for it.

I look at how happy my face is.

It's such a rare expression for me nowadays, but in this picture I have a genuine smile on my face. All of us did; except for Finnick, who thought we were taking a funny picture, so his face looks ridiculous. Even Jo is smiling.

And then my eyes land on him.

Standing, no, towering, over me, looking straight into the camera with a smile on his face.

When I look at him in this picture, I try so desperately to see the boy I fell in love with. The boy who took me to see the Robin Hood when it played in our old throwback movie theatre as our first date because he knew I loved archery; the boy who sat with me watching bad reality TV for a week and a half when I came down with pneumonia last winter; the boy who treated my family and my friends so kindly; the boy I loved with my heart and my body for the first time ever.

All these memories are trying to come to the surface as I look at this picture, but I can't connect them anymore to the face looking back at me. Now all I can see when I look at him is the hate in his eyes when he slammed me into the wall, the piercing blue looking straight into my soul, trying to find a way to get to me. To hurt me.

I pick up the picture and rip it in half.

And in half again.

And again.

And again, until it's nothing but a pile of confetti on the floor.

I don't even notice I'm crying until I look up into my mirror. The reflection I see looking back at me stops my heart.

It isn't me.

I mean, I know it's me, but this person looks nothing like me.

I take in the deep purple bruise the size of a softball on my cheek. I take in the finger-shaped marks around my neck. I take in the dark circles under my eyes, making it look like I haven't slept in a month. I take in my tangled brown hair and beat red eyes.

This can't be me.

This broken piece of shit looking back at me can't possibly be me.

_But it is. _I tell myself.

_This is you. This is how it's always been; it just took your act of stupidity and selfishness to bring it to light. _

I turn and crawl into bed, leaving the torn picture on the ground. I get under the covers and lay my head gently down on the pillow. I start to feel the sensation of big arms around me. Comforting me. Lying with me. It almost feels like a phantom limb wrapped around my body.

And then I remember those arms that once held affection for me will never hold me again. I close my eyes and beg for sleep to come my way, praying to God that once it does I never wake up.

* * *

I am awakened by the sound of voices floating down the hallway. I don't know how long I've been asleep, but I don't feel rested at all.

I try to pay attention to what the voices are saying, and after a few moments I recognize them as my parents', getting louder and louder with each minute that passes.

"I'm going to fucking kill that piece of shit." I hear my dad say in a tone I've never heard him use. It chills me to the bone.

I hear my mother reply, "Honey, I know you're upset, I am too. But going after him like that isn't going to help the situat-"

"Upset? UPSET?" I hear my father roar.

"That son of a bitch raped our daughter. He fucking RAPED her, Lillian. We trusted him with our baby and he turned around and beat the shit out of her. I'm not just going to sit back and let him walk away from ruining our daughter's life. He's going to pay for what he did, and I will gladly be the one to slit his throat."

I can barely hear my mom's response, she's so quite compared to my dad.

"We're going to press charges. We're going to take her to the police and urge her to do the right thing, you know she will. We're going to do everything we can to get him put away. Away from our daughter and away from anyone else he might hurt. But getting angry and losing our heads is not the way to go about this, Scott. She's already scared, we don't want to make it worse."

"You bet your ass we're going to press charges. Come hell or high water, that bastard is going to rot in a jail cell until the day he dies if I have anything to say about it."

I can almost see my mother's downcast eyes as he says this. She hates seeing anyone be hurt, physically or emotionally. I know she wishes there was an easy fix to this, without anyone getting too caught up in their pain.

_It's too late for me, though. Oh well._

I hear a big sigh, and then my dad say under his breath "I need to go for a drive. I'll be back."

On silent hunters' footsteps he walks out of the house, slamming the door behind him so the foundation shakes.

* * *

I lie in bed, staring at the other side of the room for a while. Not crying. I don't think I have any tears left in me to shed.

I'm just drifting off to sleep again when I hear my door crack open. My eyes shoot up due to my newly heightened senses, always on alert, but relax when I see Prim standing in the doorway, dressed in a white nightgown and clutching the stuffed goat I gave her for her 5th birthday. She had insisted on naming it Lady, and I think no matter how old she gets, she will never be able to sleep without it.

She steps silently into the room, closing the door behind her with a click. She pads over to my bed peering at me, trying to see if I'm awake.

"Katniss?" she says softly, in a wispy, trembling voice.

"Hey, Little Duck." I say, trying to smile and wiping my nose with the back of my sweatshirt sleeve. She looks at me with an expression I can't read. It looks like empathy, but I'm not completely sure. She reaches out tentatively and brushes her fingers across the bruise on my cheek, all the while keeping eye contact with me.

Light as a feather, she brushes it again, and I try to hold back my wince. She sees the look of pain on my face from her light touch and slowly pulls her hand away to stand there, just looking at me.

_I probably look like a monster to her_ I think to myself. _Well, if that's what she thinks, she's right._

After a few more moments, she climbs into bed behind me and gets under the covers. I feel her shift and wrap one of her tiny arms around my waist, pulling herself as close to me as she can get.

On a normal day, I would think it was kind of funny. My little sister is basically spooning me, trying to be the big spoon even though she's only a little over half my size.

But right now, all I feel is the comfort I so desperately want, but know I don't deserve. I don't say anything though, and grab her hand that's around my waist, tucking it into my own, and lay my arm on top of hers, holding on for dear life.

She's silent for a while, and when she whispers into my ear I can hear the exhaustion and sadness mixed in her little voice,

"I love you, Katniss."

I was wrong about the tears. I definitely have more than enough to spill.

* * *

**Thank you for reading, I hope you like it! Please review! You can also find me on tumblr at lovemesomehungergames1029**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I don't get out of bed the next day.

Or the day after that.

Or the one after that.

I've missed a few days of school, but I can't find it in me to care.

_I doubt anyone's even noticed my absence._

I learn that my parents have contacted a lawyer, and Cato has been arrested and detained in the county jail since the day after I came home. Because I'm only seventeen, they have kept my name out of the reports on his arrest. But it won't take people long to put two and two together.

_Soon, everyone will know what happened._

I lay awake at night, too afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares that have been plaguing me since I came home.

In them, I can feel his body holding me down. I can feel his hand around my wrists. I can feel the sweat dripping off his forehead onto mine. I can smell his cologne, a smell that I was always fond of.

Until now.

I wake up crying, drenched in sweat.

I don't know what's worse, being in the nightmare and not being able to wake up, or waking up and realizing it wasn't a nightmare, but that it actually happened.

_It's my fault anyways_ I tell myself_. I let him do it. Maybe I wanted it…_

I stop eating.

My mom comes in every morning, asking if I want any breakfast. I don't answer her. She does the same thing for lunch and dinner. I give her no response. She's taken time off work so she can be here with me, and I want to tell her it's not use.

_I'm not worth it._

I feel as if someone has cut my tongue out, and even if I wanted to respond to her, I wouldn't be able to. It's a good thing though, because the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone.

_Maybe if I lay here long enough, move as little as possible, don't eat anything, and stop talking, everyone will just forget about me _I think to myself.

_Maybe one day I will just fade into dust, never to be seen again. It would be for the best, really. Everyone would move on with their lives and I would be nothing anymore. _

_That sounds wonderful._

Unfortunately, this lovely scenario I have concocted in my mind never happens, because by the third day, while my mother is napping peacefully, I can hear her skinny legs stomping down the hall, ready to barge into my room. We never do lock our front door, now might be a good time to start.

Even though I know she's coming, I still flinch when she opens the door.

"Katniss, what the hell, man? I've been calling and texting you for four days now, don't you think it's about time you pick up your goddamn phone? I mean I know you're busy with work, but fuck, a sign to let me know you're alive would have been nice." I hear Johanna yell at me accusingly.

"It died." I give her softly, never looking away from the wall.

"Uhm, yeah brainless, and then you plug it into a magical little device called a charger and it comes back to life so you can let people know you're not dead. No one knew where you were, we though something bad had happened!"

I almost laugh at her choice of words.

But I don't. I don't even look at her. More like I can't, because if I do she'll sense something is wrong and I don't want her to know.

I just want to be left alone.

"Katniss?" she asks a little calmer, stepping closer to my bed. I don't think she's seen my bruised face yet.

She's just about to reach out and touch my shoulder when I hear my mom call to her from the hallway.

"Johanna, can I talk to you for a minute?" she says softly, but with a stern edge to her voice. I can feel Jo's hesitancy, the tension in the air growing thick.

"Uhm, yeah." She responds, giving me one last look over her shoulder before closing the door halfway behind her.

_Finally _I think. _Maybe she'll just go away. _

I hear them walk down the hall, my mother trying to get her as far away from my room as possible so I can't hear what she's about to tell my best friend.

I hear it anyway.

"WHAT?" Jo shouts, unbelievingly. I can only imagine my mother's face. Jo can be a little intimidating when she gets mad.

I stop listening to their conversation, but a few minutes later I hear my door creak open.

"Katniss?" she asks me, and I can hear the tears in her voice.

Johanna Mason never cries.

She walks over to my bed and kneels down in front of me, her face inches away from mine.

I still don't look at her.

I stare at the wall behind her head, because I know as soon as I make eye contact, she'll know.

She'll know what he did to me, and how it was my fault.

She'll know everything I don't want her to.

"Katniss?" she asks again, this time her voice cracking a little. I can see fresh tears coming down her face using my peripheral vision.

_Don't look at her, don't look at her, don't look at her…_

"Katniss, look at me!" she demands in, what's for her, a soothing voice. My eyes flick down to meet hers and the sight of my strong, independent, no-bullshitting best friend in tears breaks my heart.

She looks into my eyes, trying to see if it's still me. If I'm still the same person she's known for almost twelve years.

_I couldn't tell her if I am that person. I don't know anymore. _

I can tell she doesn't know what to say. And I can see her hesitancy on whether to reach out and touch me.

_This is Johanna _I tell myself_. Not him. _

_You have to let her know you're okay with her being here._

I gently reach out and wipe some of the tears off of her face with my thumb, silently trying to tell her not to cry for me. She reaches her hand up to touch mine, holding them both against her cheek.

We sit there staring at each other, silent tears streaming down our faces. I can tell she wants to comfort me, but just can't find the words.

I can see her eyes take in my greasy hair, dirty face, and unwashed clothes. And then she finally thinks of something to say.

"Katniss, I love you, but you fucking smell."

This brings a smile to my face bigger than I've been able to manage in the past week, and a soft chuckle out of me. It's the most noise I've made in days.

"Come on," she says, "get up. If you don't take a bath in the next few minutes I might pass out from toxic gas poisoning."

I let her slowly pull me out of bed and walk me to the bathroom, but make no move to undress myself. She takes the hint and starts doing it for me. I would normally rather not be naked in front of my best friend, but at this point I don't care. I know she won't hurt me.

_She's not him_ I have to remind myself.

Once she fully undresses me, she goes to the bathtub and plugs the drain, turning the water to the hottest it will go. She helps me step into the tub, and I grab the edges, helping myself sit down into the water gently.

I hug my knees to my chest, the burning water warming my cold flesh. Once the tub is full and she's added some soap, Jo turns the water off and rolls up her pant legs. She gets behind me, sitting on the edge of the tub, sticking her feet in the water, and starts shampooing and conditioning my hair.

The head massage she's giving me (about as gentle as Johanna can give one) does feel really good. It feels like she's trying to scrub the demons out of my head.

_Yeah, good luck with that._

When she's done she drains the tub and has me stand so she can turn the showerhead back on and rinses my hair and the soap off my body. She then takes my robe hanging on a hook by the shower and shoves my arms into it, as well as taking a towel and wrapping my hair in it to dry.

We walk slowly back to my room and I sit on the edge of the bed while she rummages thorough my drawers, picking out a t-shirt, sweatpants and underwear for me.

She takes the towel off my head and sits behind me on the bed, running a brush through my hair. She parts it three ways and starts weaving the signature braid I always wear down my back. I taught her how to do this in second grade, even though her hair was always too short to be able to braid.

When she's done, she just sits there, breathing lightly. Very gently, as if testing to see how I react, she puts a hand on each of my shoulders, and then wraps them lightly around my front. Her grip tightens as she leans her head on my back, and I can feel the silent sobs breaking free from her. I want to hug her back, but I can't bring myself to do it.

It feels like I don't have energy to show any more emotion.

"I'm sorry, Kat." I hear her crackling voice whisper through tears. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Don't be." I tell her softly. "It was my fault anywa-"

"What?" she cuts me off, sounding shocked.

"It was my fault." I say again. "I should have just done it with him instead of trying to fight it-"

"Katniss," she says in a serious voice, "How can you say that? How can you say you deserved this?"

"Because I did." I reply. "I did. I wasn't being a good girlfriend the way I should have been. He was so good to me and I never fully reciprocated it. I was too selfish to recognize he had needs too-"

"Oh that is such fucking bullshit and you know it, Katniss!" She cuts me off.

I look at her stunned.

"Of course he has need. Everyone has needs! But you just jerk it off and move on. You don't brutally attack and beat someone you've convinced you care about them. He had no right trying to force you into doing anything you didn't want to do, and he sure as fuck didn't have the right to take it from you anyways. I don't care what you think or try and tell yourself, this is his fault, not yours!"

I look down at the bed taking in what she's saying

_Maybe she's right _I tell myself_. _

_No no, that's ridiculous. I could have fought him off. I could have stopped him, but I chose not to. _

_I let this happen. _

I know she can sense my doubt, so she goes on.

"None of this was, is, or will ever be your fault. It will always be his fault, until the day he croaks and arrives at whatever level of Hell he's going to."

I look up at her and see the seriousness in her eyes. I know she's wrong, but I don't say anything. I'll just keep it to myself because if I don't I'll never hear the end of it.

I just nod my head and make her think she's convinced me otherwise.

I can feel a migraine coming on, and all I really want to do is sleep. But I don't want Jo to go, it's somewhat comforting having her here.

Almost as if she's reading my mind, she says soothingly, "Do you want me to stay for a while? I understand if you don't, but if you want to talk about it, I'll be here for you."

I shake my head, "No, I don't really want to talk about it. But if your parents don't mind, it would be nice if you could stay. Just for a little bit."

She smiles at this. "Oh please, they don't even know where the hell I am half the time, not they would care anyways. Of course I'll stay."

I give her a thankful smile, before my head starts to get worse. I rub my temples, trying to alleviate some of the pain.

Jo notices and says, "Do you want me to get you anything? Some food and an ibuprofen might help your head."

I really don't want to eat anything, but I take her offer anyways.

"Sure." I say.

She gets up to leave and says "Okay. Be right back."

Once she's gone, I think about the events of the day. I really hope Jo doesn't tell anyone else about what happened.

I'll have to make her promise she won't.

This thought brings me back to something she said earlier.

"_I've been calling and texting you for four days. No one knew where you were, we though something bad had happened!"_

At this I stand up and go to my desk, taking my phone out of my purse and plugging it into the charger near my bed. I wait for it to light up, and when it does I notice I have in fact missed quite a few texts and calls, mostly Johanna.

I press the Voicemail button and put the phone to my ear.

**Johanna:** _"Hey Kat, you'll never believe what just happened-"_ *skip*

**Gale:** _"Hey Catnip. Finn, Annie and I are going to the movies if you wanna come-"_ *skip*

**Johanna:** _"Kat, where are you? Why aren't you answering any of my texts. Call me back-"_ *skip*

**Johanna:** _"Alright, now I'm getting mad. I'm coming over to your house and I expect an explanation as to why you're avoiding me-"_ *skip*

**Delly:** _"Hey Kat, it's me! I just__ wanted to let you know that next weekend my family is having a picnic at my house, and everyone is invited. My mom is bugging me to get a definitive number of people so she knows how much food to buy. I'd love it if you would come! I know my cousin really wants to see everyone again! He's graduating high school a semester early and moving down here this winter so he can start at PU with us in the fall. You remember Peeta, right?-" _

I don't hear the rest of her message.

_That can't be right _I ask myself._ He's coming back here?_

_Of course I remember him _I think.

_How could I ever forget Peeta Mellark?_

* * *

**I hope you guys like it! Please leave a review, they seriously make my day! As always you can find me on here or my tumblr ;)**

**P.S. Who is excited for the new Catching Fire trailer tomorrow at ComicCon? I can't WAIT!**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

_(5 years old) _

"_Katniss looks like a booyyyy! Katniss looks like a boooyyy!" Clove Mathews chants to a 5-year-old Katniss Everdeen on their kindergarten playground. _

"_I do not!" Katniss shouts back, tears streaming down her face. _

"_Yes you do." Clove states firmly, her minions Cashmere and Enobaria laughing in agreement behind her. _

"_You wear little boy clothes and you're skin is too dark. Don't you know that girls are supposed to wear pretty little dresses and have pretty skin? That's the only reason Gale is friends with you, because he thinks you're a boy. He wouldn't like you if he knew you were really a girl."_

"_Yes he would!" Katniss screams back. _"_Gale is my best friend, and he knows I'm a girl. You're the one he doesn't like because you're ugly! He told me so himself!"_

_Clove shoots daggers through her black little eyes towards Katnis, and her companions have gone silent, waiting for her reaction. _

_She gives Katniss an evil grin and says back, "At least I'm not the one covered in mud."_

_Katniss wonders what she's talking about, but doesn't have time to think about it before Clove steps forward and shoves Katniss back roughly, causing her to trip and careen into a huge pile of wet, sticky mud behind her. _

_She lands on her back with a plopping sound, getting it all over her clothes and in her hair. She looks at Clove, shocked, who just smiles and walks away, Cashmere and Enobaria following her. _

_Katniss can feel the tears pricking her eyes as she tries to pull herself out of the mud. She can't get up because she keeps slipping, when she hears someone say her name. _

_She looks up to see chubby, baby-faced little Peeta Mellark holding out a hand for her._

_He has short blonde hair and impossibly blue eyes, although he had yet to grow into his round little body._

"_Here Katniss, grab my hand." He says. She eyes him suspiciously before accepting his help out of the mud. _

_Once she's standing, she casts her eyes down to the ground. _

"_Thank you." She says in a low, sad voice. _

_Peeta just smiles at her with the little amount of teeth he has. _

"_She's wrong you know." He says in a small voice. "You don't look like a boy."_

_Katniss doesn't know why he's trying to be nice to her, she's never spoken to him before in her life. "No, she's right." Katniss replys. "I do look ugly." _

"_Not you don't!" he replies with a happy edge to his voice. "I think you look really pretty! And you're a lot nicer than Clove is, that's much more important than how you look." _

_Katniss doesn't know how to respond. No one has ever called her pretty before, let alone a boy she hardly knows. He has to be making fun of her. _

_She stares at him, silently daring him to say more. He just smiles back at her. _

"_I do!" he says again. "I think you're really pretty." And with that, he starts looking around on the ground for something. He sees what he wants and bends down to pick it up. _

_A tiny yellow dandelion. _

_He beams up at her, holding it out in his hand. _

"_This is for you. A pretty flower for a pretty girl." She looks at him with tears I her eyes. _

_ Not thankful tears, but angry tears. _

"_It's not nice to lie, Peeta! Saying things that aren't true isn't nice! I don't want your flower, so just leave me alone!" she screams at him. _

_The smile instantly falls off his face and is replaced with a look of pure sadness. _

_She gives him a hard look and takes off running in the opposite direction, her breath heaving with tears. _

"_Katniss, wait! Come back!" she hears him yelling behind her. _

_She keeps running, never turning back to look at Peeta, not believing he could do something so mean right to her face. From that day on, she made a mental note to avoid Peeta Mellark the best she could._

* * *

I ran home that day to my mother crying, telling her about Clove and the mean boy who had tried to give me the dandelion.

My mother told me that she knew Peeta's father, and guaranteed me he was not trying to be mean. I asked her how she knew him, and she told me they had been friends in school for a long time, and if Peeta was anything like his dad, he meant what he said.

I was still upset at Peeta after she said this, not completely believing her. My mother made me promise I would apologize to him, and a week after the incident, I decided to get it over with and be done with Peeta Mellark once and for all.

One day at school, I pulled out a piece of scrap paper and wrote "I'm sorry" on it in my clunky handwriting and shoved it into his desk when he wasn't looking, washing my hands of him and his teasing.

To this day I don't know if he ever got the note, but he skillfully avoided me for a few years until the day his family packed up and moved across the country in 2nd grade.

It wasn't until I became friends with Delly in high school that I found out she was Peeta's cousin.

I had always wondered what happened to Peeta Mellark, but never cared enough to ask her about him. I wonder what he looks like now…

* * *

My father announcing we've arrived at the therapists brings me out of my walk down memory lane.

This morning I had a screaming match with my mother about my scheduled session, telling her I wasn't going and that I didn't need some asshole telling me how fucked up I am in the head.

She just shook her head and replied, "You're going. End of discussion."

I stomped to my room, slammed the door behind me and crawled back into bed. It was a few minutes before Prim walked hesitantly into the room and up to my bed, saying,

"Please go Katniss. Just go one time and see how it is. If you still hate it they may not make you go back. But at least you gave it a shot."

I looked at her angrily, but knew I wasn't about to get into it with Prim. I sighed an angry "Fine", changed and left the house with my dad. We had to drive into the city for the appointment, me trying to distract myself with memories of a boy I hadn't thought about since the last time I saw him.

I get out of the car and my dad and I walk into the building. It's sterile white and extremely cold in here as we walk up to the front desk to check in.

"Hello," my dad begins, "My name is Scott Everdeen and my daughter has an appointment today with a Mr. Cinna."

"Oh, of course, he's been expecting you!" the receptionist replies way to excited. Her name tag reads "Effie", and her face is caked with makeup. She's also wearing one of the strangest outfits I've ever seen, making her look like a flamingo.

She tells us the doctor will be right out, and to have a seat in the waiting room. We sit in silence, not looking at one another. My dad has had a really hard time with what happened, and he hasn't said more than two words to me since I came home.

_I know it's because he hates me now _I think_._

_He knows as well as I do everything that happened was my fault. _

We don't have to wait long before the doctor comes out to greet us. He is medium height with dark skin, but dressed very casually.

He shakes my fathers' hand, introducing himself.

"Hello, my name is Cinna." He says. "And you must be Katniss." He turns to me and I smile back.

"Hi," I reply. "Nice to meet you."

I was hesitant about coming to this appointment today, but I know I already like Cinna. He already makes me feel comfortable.

"Well, are you ready to get started?" he asks. I nod my head and being to follow him back to his office, looking back and giving my father a small smile. He smiles back as I enter the room.

It's very cozy, with a desk in the corner and a big, comfortable couch in the middle of the room across from a matching, plush chair. He motions for me to sit down on the couch, telling me to make myself at home. I sit down gingerly, my stiches still sensitive, as he takes a seat in the chair across from me.

"Well, it's certainty nice to meet you Katniss. Would you mind telling me how old you are?"

"Seventeen," I reply. "I'll be eighteen in March." He smiles, looking impressed.

"Oh, how exciting, eighteen is a big year! Do you know what you're going to do to celebrate?"

"No." I reply simply. "I haven't thought about it much."

_I know what he's doing _I think

_He's beating around the bush trying to avoid the elephant in the room that is why I'm here._

"Well, I'm sure you'll think of something. After all, you only get to be eighteen once!"

I just nod in reply. He takes a deep breath and continues.

"Well, Katniss, I think you know why you're here. And the first thing I wanted to let you know that this is not a punishment. I am simply here to listen to whatever you want, or don't want, to talk about and offer the best advice I can. Just try to think of me as an older, wiser friend you can talk to about anything that's troubling you."

He pauses. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

I look down and shake my head. "Not really." I tell him softly.

"That's fine." He says. "Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"

_Oh no, here it comes. I really wish I hadn't come here. _I shake my head.

"How is school going? I assume you're in your senior year?"

_That wasn't the question I was expecting. _

I look up at him, a little shocked.

"School's okay,' I reply. "I get pretty good grades and like being with my friends."

"What's your favorite subject? Besides lunch." He adds with a laugh.

I smile and give it some thought.

"Well, I'm not really good at any one subject, but I enjoy biology a lot."

"Oh, why is that?" he asks.

"I don't really know, I think it's because I spent so much time outside as a kid, I really like learning about animals and plants. Nature things like that, I guess."

"That's very interesting," he replies. "Is that what you want to study in college?"

I freeze.

I haven't really given college a thought in the past week. At the beginning of the year I was really looking forward to it, but since that night I haven't though that far ahead into the future.

I couldn't even see my future past the next few days, let alone something as trivial as college.

"I'm not sure, " I say. "I haven't thought about college much."

"That's alright, you still have plenty of time."

I nod at him.

"Do you get along with your friends?"

"Yeah" I say.

"Can you tell me about them?" From then on I describe each of my friends and all their personalities, some of which bring smile to his face. He also asks me about my family, and I tell him about how close Prim and I are.

I tell him I've always sort of felt like a mother to her, because when we were little both of my parents were working long hours so it was up to me most of the time to take care of Prim.

"Well, she's lucky she has a loving sister like you. I know my siblings wouldn't even notice if I broke my arm, let alone do all those things for me." He laughs.

I chuckle back at him, before I look at the clock and realize our hour is almost up.

_He didn't even ask me about why I'm here _I think to myself, confused_._

_He didn't ask me one thing about what happened_.

"Well Katniss, our time is up for the day. Thank you for coming to talk to me, you seem like a very nice girl who has a good head on her shoulders. I would like to see you again soon, if that's okay. You can set up your next appointment with Effie at the front desk.

Also, let me give you my card, which has my office and personal number on it. If you ever need to talk about anything at all, don't hesitate to give me a call."

I nod and thank him, taking the card and following him out to the front desk. My dad stands up from his chair in the waiting room, shaking Cinna's hand.

I make my next appointment with an overly cheery Effie and we start to head home.

_That was odd _I think to myself.

_I was expecting him to force me to talk about what I did. He'll probably get to that next time._

"How did it go?" my dad asks me.

"Fine'" I say. "He was really nice." And he was. I felt very at home talking to Cinna, almost like I as talking to an old friend.

We get home and I go to my room to take a nap. I don't have nightmares, but I do dream.

I dream that I'm walking around the woods, holding someone's hand. I look at their face, but I can't tell who it is. All I can see is that they have blonde hair.

I feel alarmed for a minute, thinking it's Cato, but I don't feel like I'm in danger. I don't feel threatened.

_Who is this person?_ I ask myself.

I wake up, confused that I would have a dream I was holding hands with a stranger. I decide to go on my computer to check Facebook. I never go on, maybe once a month, but when I pull it up I have a few miscellaneous notifications from people I don't really care about.

I sit there for a few minutes scrolling through my news feel when I see a status form Delly. I look down at the names of the people who liked it.

And then I see his name.

_Peeta Mellark._

I click on it and I am brought to his profile, but it's protected. All I can see is his profile picture, which is dark because he's standing against the sun. I can barely make out his face, but I can see that he still has the same blonde hair he did when we were little.

I shake my head at myself, log out and lay down on my bed, staring at the ceiling.

_Why do I all the sudden care about Peeta Mellark? _I ask myself_._

_I haven't seen him in ten years, and the last time I talked to him I yelled in his face._

My phone alerting me of a new text message brings me out of my thoughts. I grab it and see that it's from Delly.

**Delly:** _"Hey Kat, did you get my voicemail? If you didn't, would you like to come to my family's picnic this weekend? It will be a lot of fun!"_

I think it over in my head.

_The last thing I want to do right now is see any of my friends. The time I spent with Johanna was bad enough. _'

I'm about to tell her no when I remember my dream.

How I felt relaxed with whoever I was with, at least enough to hold their hand.

My curiosity gets the best of me and I text her back.

"Hey Dell, yeah I got your message. I'll be there."

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Please review, I love feedback! And I promise the story is going to start picking up here soon, so stay tunned... ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Katniss, are you sure? You don't have to come if you really don't want to."

"Yes, Jo, I'm sure. If I don't go everyone will be asking about me and then I'll really be up shits creek. And I don't trust you to keep what happened to yourself."

I hear Johanna let out a loud huff on the other side of the phone at this comment.

She's only mad because she knows I'm right, she can't keep her mouth shut to save her life.

The truth is I am actually dreading having to go to Delly's barbeque. The week went by in what felt like a second, and before I knew it, it was Saturday. I considered texting Delly and telling her I couldn't make it, but the curiosity in me reared its ugly head when I remembered why I agreed to go in the first place.

"Fine," Jo says, "I'll be there at two-o'clock to pick you up." And with that she hangs up the phone, obviously still peeved I called her out on her inability to sensor what comes out of her mouth.

I just pray to God no one asks me anything about what's been going on the past few weeks in my life.

Jo's going to be here in an hour, so I decide it's time to get out of bed and get ready. I forgo the shower and settle on washing my face in the sink. I brush my teeth and comb my hair, pulling it back into a simple braid.

I realize I am moving a lot slower than normal, the dread of the day to come weighing heavily on me. Luckily, the bruise on my cheek has almost completely faded, leaving the skin around it looking a little yellow.

I pile on some of my rarely used makeup, doing my best to hide it. Once I'm satisfied, I turn to my closet to find something to wear. I open it and look at its contents. I notice the dress I was wearing that night is nowhere in sight. _I wonder what happened to it? _

After taking all of five minutes looking through my closet, I settle on a pair of jeans and a light blue t-shirt. It's been uncharacteristically hot for September, and I would normally wear shorts when going outside.

However, a few days ago, when undressing to get in the shower, I noticed some deep purple, finger-shaped bruises on the inside of my knees. They must not have showed up until later, because that was the first time I had noticed them.

_I guess it took a lot of strength to hold me in the position he wanted me in _I think to myself.

They are still tender to the touch, and make it impossible to wear anything short without people seeing them.

_I'd rather be hot then have to explain how I got these bruises_ I think to justify my pant selection.

I'm buttoning my jeans when I notice just how loose they really are. I look at the tag, thinking maybe my mom's jeans got mixed up with mine in the laundry and that's why they feel big on me, but they're my size.

Jeans that had once hugged my barely-curvy body were now hanging loose in the butt, legs, and worst of all, stomach.

_You shouldn't be surprised_ I tell myself, _it's not like you've had anything to eat in the recent days. _

And it's true, I haven't been eating. When my mom brings me food, it sits untouched for a while before I sneak to the bathroom to run it under water, making it soggy, and them slowly flush it down the toilet, as not to clog it.

And on the off chance my mom has convinced me to come out and eat with the family, I eat only about half of what she serves me, and then wait until later when everyone has settled down to go to the bathroom and throw it up. I know this is a very bad habit to get into, I've heard the horror stories people tell about eating disorders.

I'm not doing it to be thin or to lose weight; I'm doing it because the physical feeling of having food in my stomach really hurts. It feels like there's a pile of rocks sitting in my stomach.

And even if I were to keep it in me, my digestion, along with my period, have gone to shit. My urine comes out almost brown sometimes and I haven't had a bowel movement since I came home from the hospital.

I've even limited my water intake, because if I drink too much I can feel it sloshing around in my stomach, which is not a fun feeling. It works out just as well, because I'm not even hungry most of the time anyways, and when it starts to feel like my stomach is trying to eat itself, I drink some water and take a nap, and when I wake up I feel much better.

I pull on some sandals and look at the clock to see that its five minutes until two; Jo should be here any minute. I grab my phone off my desk and walk out of the room, closing the door behind me.

* * *

The drive to Delly's is short.

Too short.

It didn't give me enough time to decide how I want to approach being around that many people but still trying to act as normal as possible. I can feel my heart pulsing harder and harder as we park the car, but try to brush it off.

I make a move to get out when Jo grabs my arm to stop me.

"Wait, Kat," she says, "Are you sure about this?" I'm about to roll my eyes at here when I see genuine concern flit across them.

"I think so." I say in a low voice.

"Well just in case you want to leave I think we should have a code word, like a sign that you can give me that tells me you're not comfortable."

I mull this idea over in my head and give her a nod, "Like what?"

She thinks for a minute and then replies "How about 'sunset'? It's something easy that probably won't come up in conversation." I nod at her and we exit the car and make our way to the front door.

We don't bother to knock and just walk in, seeing everyone is already having a nice time in the backyard.

"You're gonna be fine, just relax." Jo whispers to me. We walk outside and I'm instantly in surveillance mode.

My eyes dart around the yard, my brain unconsciously searching for any immediate threats. This is something new my body does when I go anywhere other than my room now, and it scares me. It makes me feel like I'll never be normal again.

_Well you won't be normal again because you ruined your life. _

_You have no one to blame but yourself. _

Once I've calmed down, Jo and I make our way over to where our friends are standing. Delly looks up and sees us, a bubbly smile erupting on her face.

"Kat!" she screeches. "I'm so glad you came, we haven't seen much of you lately!"

_Fuck Delly, why?_

"Yeah, what's up with that Catnip, where ya been?" Gale follows.

I hesitate, and reply in a shaky voice, "Oh, ya now, just been busy with work and everything." I look down at the ground, begging that they don't ask any more questions.

"Oh, that sucks. Hey, is Cato coming today? I invited him but he never text me back."

_Delly, I'm seriously about to go ape shit on your ass if you don't shut up._

I look at her, not knowing how to respond. She looks at me expectantly, and I'm starting to panic when Jo comes to my rescue.

"He couldn't make it," she says in a warning tone, silently telling Delly to drop it. I thank God Jo is here.

"Oh, that's too bad." Delly replies and thankfully drops the subject. The food is ready soon and everyone grabs their burgers and sodas and sits around a picnic table.

"Katniss, you're not going to eat?" Annie asks me softly. Everyone looks up, waiting for my answer.

"Oh, no," I say, "I'm still full from breakfast. Maybe I'll be hungry later." They accept this and goes back to eating, but not before Jo can give me a disapproving look. She knows I haven't been eating, and I think she can tell that I've lost some weight.

I shrug it off and try to listen to the story Delly is telling. She's in the middle of saying something about how she caught her little brother playing with her makeup when she looks over my shoulder and breaks out into a huge smile.

"Peeta! Over here!"

_Oh my god, he's really here _I think. _Don't turn around, don't turn around, don't turn around….. _

"Hey Dell, sorry I'm late." His voice has gotten much deeper since the last time I heard it (obviously), but it still has the same gentleness I remember coming from the shy little boy I used to know.

"That's okay!" Delly replies, "We just started eating. Everyone, this is my cousin Peeta! Some of you may remember him; he lived here for a few years in elementary school.

Peeta, this is Gale, Finnick, Thom, and Madge. And you should remember Annie, Johanna, and Katniss." Everyone waves at him, but I still have yet to look up. I am paralyzed with fear. I suddenly wish I were anywhere else but here right now.

I wish the ground would just suck me up.

"Hey guys, I haven't seen you in forever!" I hear him say. I finally get the courage to life my eyes, and find him looking back at me.

_Sweet Jesus._

If I thought his eyes were blue before, then I was living in a fool's world. They are such a shade of indescribable blue I can't even handle it.

And they look like they're sparkling for fucks' sake.

I take in the rest of his face. He has a smile on from ear to ear, showing off a row of perfectly straight teeth. His face has lost the roundness it once held when we were little, and has been replaced by a strong jaw line and prominent cheekbones.

His skin is still fairly pale, but intriguingly fair nonetheless. His hair is still the same shade of medium blonde and his body is not too tall, and not too stocky, but perfectly proportioned.

He's still looking at me when I realize I've been staring.

"Hi." I manage to squeak out.

"Hey Katniss, how are you?" he asks in a friendly voice.

I'm about to answer him when I feel a sudden pain. My heart is feeling like it's going to beat out of my chest and I can feel my chest getting tighter and tighter.

All of the sudden I can't breathe. It feels like the oxygen is being sucked from the air around me. I look down at my lap, trying the best I can not to lose control.

_Breathe _I tell myself_. Just fucking breathe._

My breath isn't coming back and I can feel my chest getting even tighter.

_I have to get out of her. _

"Excuse me," I manage to get out before I run from the table and into the house. I sprint to the bathroom and slam the door shut, locking it. I hunch over the toilet and try to throw up, but nothing comes out.

I sit there and dry heave for a few minutes before pulling back, slumping down to the floor. I pull my knees to my chest and suddenly have the urge to cry.

I don't know what brought this on; one minute I was talking to my friends and the next minute I felt like I was suffocating.

_Was it because I finally saw him?_

I don't know how long I sit in the bathroom before I hear a knock on the door.

"Kat, it's me. Let me in." I hear Johanna say from the other side. I reach up and unlock the door, letting her in.

"What the hell happened?" she asks me as she kneels down to look at my face. I just look at her with wide eyes.

"Sunset." I reply quickly.

She nods and stands up. "Okay, wait for me by the door. I'll go get our stuff and take you home."

I stand up, leaving the bathroom to go wait in the living room for her. I'm standing there trying not to cry again when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

I jump and scream, turning around to try to get away. I see Finnick with a shocked look on his face, staring at me like he doesn't know who I am.

"Hey," he says slowly, putting his hands up in surrender.

"What happened back there? I just wanted to make sure you were okay." I stare at him, begging my eyes to just hold in the tears that are threatening to fall.

"Kat, are you okay?" he asks again, his face forming into a frown.

I can feel my chest getting tight again when I respond under my breath, "I'm fine, just don't touch me."

"What?" he says, taking a step towards me.

I take a shaky step away from him and say again, louder this time, "Just don't touch me. Go away." I look from the floor up to him and he looks so confused, but also worried at the same time.

And I see something else in his eyes I can't identify. Recognition?

I don't have time to figure it out before Jo comes back with our purses and we turn to leave. I give Finnick one more warning look over my shoulder and follow Jo out the door.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jo asks when we get to the car.

"No." I respond with anger in my voice.

_I can't believe I just did that in front of everyone. I don't even know what happened. They probably all think I'm a freak now. _

_Especially Peeta, the guy hasn't seen me in almost ten years and at the first thing he says I take off and lock myself in the bathroom. _

"What happened, Kat? You were fine until Peeta showed up."

"I don't know Johanna, just fucking drop it, okay?" I say sternly at her.

"Fine," she says back just as terse and drops the subject. We pull up to my house a few minutes later and I move to get out of the car.

"Katniss, wait." She grabs my arm and pulls me back down.

"What Johanna? Seriously, just leave me the fuck alone. I've had a really shitty day and I just want to go home now. I don't need you or anyone else babysitting me and hovering around me. I can fucking take care of myself!"

She looks hurt at my outburst but it's quickly replaced by anger.

"Fine, if that's how you feel. You know where to reach me when you've decided to stop being a bitch." And with that she turns to look at the road, not giving me another look.

"Whatever." I say under my breath and get out of the car, slamming the door behind me. I stalk to my room and fling myself down on the bed. I sit there and stew in my anger, but soon feel it being replaced by sadness.

_I shouldn't have yelled at her like that _I think to myself._ She was only trying to help. It's not her fault I'm so fucked up. _

I grab my phone and type a quick message to her: _**I'm sorry I got nasty with you, I didn't mean it**__._

It's a few minutes before she replies**:**_** I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed you to talk about what happened at the party. I know you've been dealing with a lot Kat, I just want you to know I'm here for you, whenever you need it. You're my best friend and I love you.**_

I reply back**:**_** I love you too**__. _

I change into my pajamas even though it's only five o'clock and climb into bed, thinking about the day. Jo's right, I was feeling okay until Peeta showed up. The guy didn't even say five words to me and I freaked out.

_Why? _I ask myself_. Why did seeing him have such an effect on my? _

_I mean, he and Cato have the same features, but they look completely different, so that couldn't have been it. _

I suddenly remember the look Finnick gave me before I left. I could see the questioning on his face. Finnick may be silly, but he's not stupid.

_What is he finds out what happened? He'll tell everyone._

* * *

I don't sleep that night at all. I wakeup screaming from nightmares about what happened, dreaming that I just laid there and let Cato do what he did to me. that I let him violate me, and that I liked it.

_But that wasn't a dream _I tell myself._ You did just lie there. You didn't fight back. _

_You wanted it. _

I'm just about to fall back asleep again when an image creeps into my mind. It's an image of someone smiling. No, not just anyone.

It's Peeta.

I can see his incredibly blue eyes and his handsome face, smiling from ear to ear.

And it feels like he's just smiling at me, no one else.

A secret smile, just for me.

This is the last thing I see before I fall into a deep sleep.

* * *

**Thanks for reading guys! I hope you like the story so far. Please review and let me know what you think!**

**P.S. Who else has seen the CF trailer? It looks AMAZING! I'm so excited to see it, what about you?**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Well, from what you tell me, it sounds like you experienced a panic attack." Cinna tells me. I'm sitting in his office four days after the incident at Delly's picnic, relaying to him what happened. The days following the picnic were horrible, I got maybe ten hours of sleep total and my weight had plummeted even more.

My mother had started noticing how skinny I was becoming, and last night she had accidently interrupted one of my purging sessions in the bathroom. She was so distraught, but surprisingly not that mad at me, as far as I could see. She sat me down to talk about why I refused to eat anything, and when I declined to answer her she made an emergency appointment with Cinna the next day.

She told me "You have enough on your plate right now, we don't need to add eating disorder to the list." So that's how I ended up here, sitting in his office for well over our allotted hour.

"This is a side effect people who have been through something traumatic commonly experience, so don't feel like you're strange for having had this reaction. Do you know exactly what set it off?"

I shake my head. "No. I was feeling okay until my old classmate arrived, and I couldn't even get out two words before I started feeling like I couldn't breathe."

"Do you think it is because he shares a similar physical appearance to Cato?" he asks me.

"No, I don't think so. They really look nothing alike, and Peeta is not nearly as big as him." I answer softly. Cinna has slowly been getting me to open up about my relationship with Cato, even to the point where he got me to talk about what happened that night for about ten minutes before I started crying and our session was done for the day. Ever since then, he never asks about it too much, but just enough for those memories to sometimes resurface.

"So tell me more about this Peeta fellow," he says, "You said you knew him a long time ago, right?"

"Yeah," I reply, "We went to school together kindergarten through second grade before his family moved away. We were never friends, and one of the only times I spoke to him I accused him of making fun of me and yelled in his face."

"But now he's back in town? And he plans on going to college here in the fall?"\

"Yeah." I reply. I really don't want to talk about Peeta right now, but it seems like Cinna is giving me no choice.

"And how do you feel about that?" he asks me.

"I don't know," I shrug, "It's kind of awkward, I guess. I mean I haven't seen him in such a long time and when he left we really weren't on the best of terms. But I guess I have no choice but to be around him because his cousin Delly is one of my best friends."

"Ah, I see." Cinna says. "And do you think that despite what happened when you two were younger, could you see yourself becoming friends with Peeta?"

I freeze.

_Friends? With Peeta? I highly doubt it._

"Probably not." I laugh softly. "Why would he want to be friends with me? All I've ever done is been mean to him in the short amount of time I've known him."

"I don't know," he says, "You'd be surprised at what others remember about people they used to know. You may only remember the times you were short with him, but maybe he remembers you in a different light. Did he seem angry at you when he said hello?"

"No," I say lowly, "He was nice to me for the five seconds I saw him. He didn't seem bitter."

"Well Katniss, if I were you I would try and talk to him. He seems like a nice person, and one can never have too many friends." I nod and he continues. "Good. On the subject of the panic attack you seem to have had at the party, I would like to put you on a low dose of Prozac, which should help with some of the anxiety you feel."

"Wait, you didn't say anything about putting me on medication…" I counter in an angry voice.

"Well I haven't seen any reason to have you on anything until now." he says. "Don't worry, this type of drug has a very low risk of mild side effects and will help you deal with stressful situations. You can take it and see how you feel, and if you still don't feel better we can try something else, okay?"

"Fine." I relent under my breath, upset he thinks a pill will fix me.

"And another thing I need to talk to you about it your weight loss. Your mother informed me of you current eating habits, and I want to tell you that not eating and purging up anything in your stomach will only end in tragedy. I have seen so many girls go down that dangerous path, and I would hate to see you follow in their footsteps.

Bulimia is a deadly disease, even though you may not think so, and the only way you are going to get better is if you put effort into consuming the nutrients your body needs. They will help you feel better physically and mentally, even if you may experience some discomfort in eating. That is why I am giving you and your parents a copy of a meal plan I would like you to start, as well as a prescription for some nutrient shakes I want you to start drinking in the morning and at night to help you gain some weight back. Because they are liquid they might feel easier on your stomach, but I still want you to try and follow your meal plan."

I nod and he hands me both prescriptions and the meal plan and walks me out to where my mom is in the waiting room.

"You're going to get through this Katniss." He says. "But you have to work for it and have some hope. Just remember, hope is the only thing stronger than fear."

He smiles at me and I smile back, tired and ready to go home. He leans down and whispers in my ear, "And try to become friends with Peeta. Having new people in our lives can sometimes be the key to helping us with our problems."

I nod and begin to walk out to the car with my mom. We go to the store to drop off my prescriptions and head back home.

* * *

A few days later the weekend finally comes and I wish I could be more excited about it. My parents and I have our first appointment with a lawyer today to talk about what the process will be in defending myself against Cato in court. I don't even want to think about having to go to court and face not only him, but also a room full of people trying to send him away to jail.

_Especially over something I could have prevented_.

I'm in my room getting ready when my mom comes in to bring me my nutrition shake Cinna prescribed. She sets it down on my nightstand and sits down on my bed. I give her an eye roll in the mirror, dreading having to drink that dirt-flavored "vanilla" shake.

"Ugh, do I really have to drink that? It tastes like garbage." I complain.

"Yes you do, Katniss. Your body needs the nutrients and it will give you more energy. And besides, they've been working. I can already tell in the past few days you've been taking them what a difference they're making." I roll my eyes at her again and go to grab the shake, plugging my nose and chugging it down as fast as I can.

"Blech." I run to the bathroom and brush my teeth immediately, trying to get the horrid taste out of my mouth. When I return she is waiting to walk me to the car to go to our appointment.

_She probably thinks I'm going to try and throw the shake up. _

I choose not to, because my punishment would probably be along the lines of having to drink even more shakes, and I would rather just not take the risk. I think she's right though, since I started taking the shakes, I've gained a couple pounds and can feel my appetite returning, even though it still feels like food just sits in my stomach. And also my digestion has gotten a little better, so I guess the shakes were a good call.

I follow her down the hallway and out of the house, sitting in the backseat of the car. Prim is with Rue today, as my parents didn't really want to have to take her to meet the lawyer. It's for the best; I really don't want my little sister to know everything in detail that happened that night, something I am absolutely dreading about having to tell a room full of people. My dad backs out of the driveway and I lean my head against the window, feeling the fatigue pull on my eyelids.

The Prozac Cinna put me on has been helping somewhat with my anxiety, and I feel less nervous than I did a few days ago, but an unfortunate side effect is that I think it's making me really tired. On the flip side, however, because I'm so tired it's helping me sleep at night, and in turn I don't have as many nightmares, so that's a plus. I just wish I didn't have to take medication and drink disgusting shakes to feel normal. I would give anything to just be able to go back to the way I used to be, before that night.

I am just starting to drift off when I feel my dad park the car, signaling we have arrived at the lawyer's office. We walk into the building, and tell the receptionist we have an appointment. She tells us the lawyer will be out in a few minutes, so the three of us stand awkwardly in the room until he arrives.

As soon as he turns the corner, I question whether this was a good idea at all. He's fairly tall, but has a medium-sized beer belly with greasy, stringy grey hair. It also looks like he doesn't own a razor, because he has quite the scruff and severe five o'clock shadow. He reaches out his hand to me and I can smell liquor on his breath.

"Hi, you must be Katniss, Lillian, and Scott. It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Mr. Abernathy, but you can call me Haymitch." He shakes each of our hands and motions us to follow him back to his office. We file in one by one and each take a seat in front of a big wooden desk. He takes a seat behind it and begins.

"Well, I think we all know why you three are here, and firstly I would like to say that I am very sorry about what happened to you Katniss, it's disgusting and I hope to be able to help you in any way I can." I give small nod in thanks and he continues.

"Because you are only seventeen, the state will represent you against Mr. Cato Billings, so your name can be left out of the news reports. You can choose to come to the trial, unless the defense calls you as a witness, which is highly possible, and you will have to testify. But I hope to help the DA put together a strong enough prosecution so it doesn't come to that. Do you have any questions for me?"

I nod, and in a small voice ask him, "What exactly is he being charged with?"

He looks down at the file in front of him and reads off a list: "Sexual assault and battery; Rape of a minor; Assault in the first degree; Domestic Abuse; and underage drinking. According to your reports prior to today, I did not think it wise to add Sodomy or Kidnapping to the charges, as one did not happen and the other would be almost impossible to prove, considering it would be your word against his."

I nod again, and he turns to my parents. He discusses with them for the next hour about all the proceedings that will happen leading up to court, as well as the court date next month. At the end of our meeting, he turns back to me and says, "I promise you I'm going to do everything in my power to put the man who did this to you away for a very long time. I think we have a strong case and I've been able to convict people of similar crimes with less evidence before. You're in good hands, Ms. Everdeen, try not to lose any sleep over this situation."

_Easy for him to say _I think to myself.

We shake hands and my parents and I begin out trek back to the car to go home. My mom puts an arm around my shoulders and affectionately pats my arm, earning a weak smile out of me. All I want to do right now is go home and sleep, and not think about Cato, or Haymitch, or courts. I pray they won't call me to testify, I don't think I would be strong enough to handle it. The ride back to the house is silent, and when we get home I drag myself to my room, crawl into my pajamas and burrow under the covers.

* * *

I feel someone shaking my shoulder, and when I open my eyes I see my mom, inches away from my face. I look at the clock and see it's around seven, so she's probably waking me up to come eat dinner.

"Hi baby," she says, "You have a visitor."

I look at her with shock on my face.

_Who could it be? _

_Johanna? No, if she were here she would just come to my room on her own. _

_Who the hell is here and why do they want to see me? _

"Who is it?" I ask her, sleep making my voice groggy. She steps aside, allowing me to see who's standing in the threshold of my room.

Finnick.

_Fuck. _

I give her a nod in assurance, and she begins to make her way out of my room.

"Dinner is almost ready honey, come out when you're ready. Finnick, would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Oh, no thank you Mrs. E, I promised Annie I would meet her at the diner later. But thanks for the invite." He replies, easily turning on the charm he is so well known for. My mother gives him a smile before leaving the room, letting the door stay open just a crack.

Finnick turns back to me and gives me a small smile. I sit up and smile back. "Hey Finn, what's up?" I say as smoothly as I can, trying to hide the fact that I'm scared about why he's here.

_Does he know something?_

"Hey Kat, I just wanted to come by and see how you were. You didn't seem like yourself at the picnic the other day."

"Oh yeah, sorry about snapping at you like that. I wasn't really feeling well and just wanted to get home." I say, trying to brush off the incident nonchalantly. He makes a move to come sit on the end of my bed, and I lean back just a little bit, but try not to let him see.

_This is ridiculous _I think_._

_This is Finnick. Goofy, wanna-be sex god Finnick who wouldn't hurt a fly. _

I feel better at my reasoning and embrace his presence a little more, waiting expectantly for him to continue the conversation. "Are you sure?" he presses, "You know if something's bothering you, you can tell me, right?"

_Oh, he definitely knows something._

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm fine, just tired."

"Okay, good. Hey, do you know where Cato is? I have something to ask him and he hasn't been answering any calls or texts."

I freeze at the name. I stare at Finnick like a deer caught in the headlights. I try to compose myself when I answer in a shaky voice, "Um, I'm not sure, I haven't talked to him in a few days. I've been busy."

I can tell he doesn't buy it. Before I can say anything else, he reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls something out.

A newspaper.

He unfolds it and there, on the front page in the bottom left corner reads the headline:

**Local Youth Taken Into Custody After Accusation of Sexual Assault.**

_Leave it to Finnick to actually read the fucking newspaper_ I seethe.

I refuse to look up at him. I can feel the panic rising in my chest, and tears start to prick my eyes.

"Katniss?" he asks softly. I still can't look at him. This can't ben happening right now.

"Katniss, do you know anything about this?"

I take a deep breath, "I-" I squeak out, but can't finish my sentence.

_He knows. He figured it out._

"Did he do this to you?" he whispers. And that's when I break down.

The tears just start coming and I can't do anything to hold them back. I can feel my chest heaving harder than it has in days and my cheeks feel like they're on fire. This is so embarrassing. I feel Finnick pull me into a hug and I don't have it in me to try and fight him off. I'm done fighting.

We sit there for a few minutes before he releases me and puts a finger under my chin, lifting my head so I'll look at him. I'm surprised to see that his eyes are red and shiny, a telling sign of unshed tears.

"I'm so sorry Katniss." He says slowly.

"Did Johanna tell you?" I ask him through my tears, dreading he will say yes.

"Actually no, I didn't even know that she knew. I could tell something was bothering you, but I couldn't put my finger on it until I saw you at the party, and then it hit me like a truck."

"Do you think the others figured it out too?" I ask in a panicked voice.

He shakes his head, "I don't think so. If they did no one said anything. And they can't see the signs like I can."

I look at him confused. _What is he talking about? _

He gives me a hesitant look, and takes a deep, shaky breath before continuing.

"Listen, I'm going to tell you something no one outside my family knows. Not even Annie. I'll tell her when the time is right, just not now."

"What is it?" I ask, still confused.

He continues, "The reason I figured out what happened to you is because I've had something similar happen to me. When I was eight years old, I became really close to my Uncle Chris. I thought he was the coolest guy, and we did everything together. He was the one who encouraged me to join the swim team at school, and he introduced me to a ton of awesome movies and music. I really looked up to him, and would go over to his house almost every weekend to hang out when my parents worked.

One weekend, though, something happened. He put on a movie and got me some popcorn, and about half way through the movie he started unzipping my pants and touching me. I got freaked out, and asked him what he was doing. He told me what he was doing was okay and normal, and that it would make me feel really good. Because I trusted him, I didn't make him stop. I trusted him enough to do that to me, and in time he convinced me to do it back to him.

He told me I was making him happy, and things got progressively more intense between us. Because I was so young at the beginning, he had convinced me there was nothing wrong with what we were doing. But as the years went by and I started hanging out with friends and going to school, I realized something was wrong. All the other kids didn't seem to be doing what I was doing, and if they were they were doing it with kids their own age, not their grown male uncles. This lasted until I was thirteen, and I finally told my parents what had been happening.

Long story short, he was arrested and there was a trial and a ton of shit went down. He ended up getting a life sentence, and my parents stood by me through the whole thing. The rest of the family, however, blamed me and my parents for getting precious Uncle Chris sent to jail, saying that I was lying about what happened and that it was my entire fault. They started harassing my parents and I, until my parents decided enough was enough and moved us out here when I was sixteen, when I met all of you guys."

I sit there stunned.

Absolutely fucking sunned.

I cannot believe the story I just heard.

"Oh, Finnick. I had no idea. I don't even know what to say…" I rest my hand on top of his, my mouth hanging open. He gives me a small smile and pats my hand.

"You don't need to say anything," he tells me, "It's part of my past, but isn't the person I am today. I have you guys to thank for that."

I'm still crying at this point, but even harder now that I know exactly what my friend has been through. I would have never guesses the golden funny boy with a big heart came from such a fucked up background.

"How did you get past it?" I ask before I have a chance to stop myself.

He shrugs. "I spent a lot of time talking to therapists, which helped. And I was put on a lot of medication, which I'm finally off thank god. I threw myself into swimming and tried to become the best athlete I could be. I hated myself for a ong time, though. I really did believe it was my fault, and that I should have done something to stop it. I was wrong, though. It took some time, but I came to the conclusion that what happened wasn't my fault, and that I was the victim. My family really helped me through it Katniss, which is why I know you'll be able to get through what happened to you."

"And swimming didn't remind you of him? Of what he did?"

He thinks for a few seconds and responds, "No, it used to. But I loved it too much to give it up. I knew that he was the one who originally encouraged me to do it, but he wasn't my driving force. I fell in love with it and felt like if I stopped then I was letting him win. That it was just one more thing he would take away from me."

We're both silent for a few minutes before he speaks up again. "But you want to know what helped the most? The thing that literally saved my life?" I nod.

"Moving here and becoming friends with all of you guys. I was so against leaving my old home, and resented my parents for forcing me. The first summer I spent here before school started was the most miserable of my life. But when I met you, and Annie, and Delly, and Madge, and Gale, I finally felt like I was worth it. You guys showed me so much unconditional love form the very beginning that I finally felt like life was worth living. Honestly, if it weren't for you guys becoming my friends, I probably wouldn't be here today."

I'm still crying, but this time I pull him into the hug. He leans his chin on my shoulder and says in my ear, "You're going to get through this Kat. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but I promise you will. You'll come through it a stronger person, and you'll go on to live a happy, fulfilled life with someone who loves you. You just gotta fight for it."

I pull back and look at him when he puts a hand on my wet cheek and say, "Promise me, you'll fight for it."

I nod and close my eyes. "I promise."

_He's right _I think._ I have to fight for it. It won't be easy, but I'll get there. _

"Good," he says, "Well, I should leave you to go enjoy dinner with your family. Just know that if you ever want to talk, I will always be there for you. Don't hesitate to reach out."

He's almost at the door when he turns around with a big, shit-eating grin on his face.

"Oh, by the way. Blondie asked about you after you ran away from him. I didn't tell him anything I suspected of course, but he seemed genuinely concerned for you. From what I hear, you two didn't have the best relationship back in the day."

"No, we didn't. I screamed at him in Kindergarten and that was the last time we interacted." I say with a small laugh.

"Well, I'm no expert," he continues, "But if I had to bet money on it, I'd say big-ol blue sparkly eyes has a thing for you, Ms. Everdeen. And don't even try to deny the way you were drooling over him when he walked up, we all saw it."

"I was NOT drooling!" I say accusingly.

"Oh please, you have the hots for him and you know it. If I were you, I would jump on that pony and take it for a ride. You might be surprised at what you find. Something good will come out this shitty situation Katniss, and it could be what you least expect. Mark my words…"

And with that he trails off, giving me a wink and walking his tanned bod out the door.

I just shake my head after him, laughing softly, praying to God he's right.

* * *

**Hey guys, thanks for reading! I hope you like it and please feel free to leave a review, I love them and they make my day!**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The week passes, slowly but surely, and I finally feel like I'm getting back into the swing of things.

I started back up at school the following Monday, after much hesitation, and found it to be easier than I was expecting. While I did have quite a bit of work I missed in all my classes, the teachers had been informed I was in the hospital, and let me get out of unnecessary busy work and informed me I will be able to take my make-up tests when I catch up on the material.

Thankfully they don't know _why_ exactly I was in the hospital, and since it was my senior year, most of my teachers are pretty relaxed about kids missing school; they can't wait to get rid of us. I find myself enjoying going to class again, and seeing my girlfriends at lunch. Finnick and Gale are so lucky they've already graduated; I can't wait to get out of this school and actually do something with my life.

At Cinna's recommendation, I've given more thought about college next year. I know I definitely want to go to PU; all my friends are going there, it's affordable because it's an in-state school, and they have an amazing biology program. The best part about going back to school is that no one seems to know or care why I was gone. Most kids in our town don't read the papers, so they don't ask about Cato. And if they do know about him, they don't bring it up, thank God.

I'm finally starting to feel like myself again, something a few weeks ago I didn't think was going to be possible. I still suffer from horrible nightmares at night, but I find that they are starting to have less of an affect on my overall mood when I wake up. It sort of feels like waking up from a bad dream after watching a scary movie: it's still scary, but I'm trying to cope with them. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments where I feel like my world is ending and I don't want to move, or eat, or do anything. All I want to do is crawl away and disappear. But I eventually pull myself out of it and carry on the best way I know how.

To be honest, I have Finnick and Johanna to thank for the way I've been feeling lately. After the story Finnick told me about his childhood, I don't feel alone anymore. I feel like he knows what I went through, and if he can get through it and come out the other side, so can I. And now that I have both of them on my side, I don't feel like it's me against the world anymore. And that's a feeling I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

On the other hand, Finnick has not shut the fuck up about Peeta since that night he came to my house.

Every day its, "So, did you call Peeta? When are you going to talk to Peeta? You know you want to bang him, just do it. He's not going to wait around forever Katniss, you've got to jump on that!"

I am seriously this close to slapping him; it's only a matter of time.

_There's no way any of what he says is true. _

_There's no way Peeta likes me. _

_There's nothing to like. _

I won't deny Peeta has been on my mind a lot lately (mostly due to Finnick constantly talking about him), but I do feel bad about the way I left things with him. I find myself wanting to talk to him and explain that I'm not weird for running away at the barbeque.

_Why am I even so sure he wants to a talk to me? I've done nothing but been mean to him…_

* * *

"Hey guys!" Delly says rushing over to our table we eat lunch at every day, under the tree in the courtyard.

"Hey Dell" we all mutter back. She sits down and pulls out her lunch, consisting of a boring looking salad and some water.

"That's all you're going to eat?" Johanna asks her incredulously.

"Yes." She states firmly. "I'm trying to lose some weight, and some of us actually like eating healthy, Johanna."

"That's a load of horseshit." Jo laughs back at her. "Just last weekend you polished off a burger with chips and a ton of lemonade."

"That was a special occasion! And it's easy for you to say Johanna, you can eat anything you want and never gain an ounce." Delly fires back at her.

"Delly, why do you want to lose weight?" Annie asks her softly.

"Yeah," I pipe in, "You have a great body Dell, you don't need to lose weight."

And it's true, Delly has a very envious body. She's about medium height, but where I lack curves she has them and then some. Sure, she carries a little extra weight around her legs and midsection, but not nearly enough to be called "fat" or "overweight", or whatever the fuck she thinks she is. I would kill to have a body like hers, and now she's complaining about it.

"Oh come on Katniss, you shouldn't be one to talk. You've looked skinnier over the past month than in all the years I've known you."

"That's different," I say defensively, "I've been under a lot of stress."

"I know you have, but I feel like I need to do this. And besides, it will make Thom happy."

"Delly, that's ridiculous." Annie replies. "Thom loves you for who you are, not what you look like. Although I'm pretty sure he loves your body just the way it is."

Delly gives a little huff and ends the conversation, muttering "Whatever" under her breath. Jo just rolls her eyes and diverts her attention back to the table.

"So, everyone's down for the bonfire this weekend tonight? It's gonna be sick." Annie and Delly both nod, but I give her a confused look because I don't know what she's talking about.

"What bonfire?" I ask her.

"Oh, that's right, you haven't ben here the past few weeks." She says, giving me a sympathetic look. "There's a senior bonfire happening Saturday night at the beach. You know, to celebrate the official start of our last fall as high school students and all that nostalgic bullshit."

I laugh, thinking the idea behind the party is ridiculous, but I am intrigued nonetheless.

"There's going to be s'mores and music, and of course alcohol. All the seniors are invited. Well, all fifty of us I guess."

I laugh and reply, "Okay, I'm down."

She gives me a bright smile. "Great! I'll pick you up at seven." I nod, and eat the rest of my lunch in silence. Before I know it, the bell rings, signaling the end of lunch, and I pick up my trash and throw it in the garbage. Annie is right behind me and links her arm through mine, smiling as we walk to English together. "This weekend is going to be so much fun!" she leans in to whisper excitedly.

"Yeah," I say back, "I'm looking forward to it." For the first time in a while, I actually feel genuine excitement for something. And it feels great.

* * *

Jo picks me up at seven like she promised and we start our drive to the beach. Our beach is too cold to swim at any time of the year other than summer, but it has been home to many high school and college parties, as well as other shenanigans. Because we are not surrounded by a big city, at night from the beach you can see almost every star in the sky. Going down to the beach at night had been one of my favorite activities when I was a little girl, so I'm glad I am finally making my way back there after so long.

About fifteen minutes later we pull into the parking lot, and I can see the sun is just setting on the horizon. It's beautiful, and filled with warm reds, yellows, and oranges. I've always been mesmerized by sunsets; I think their beauty is one of the many wonders of the world.

We get out of the car and I see a huge pile of wood on the beach, just waiting to be lit. A ton of people are already here, and it takes us a while to locate our crew. Gale, Madge, Annie and Finnick are already here, and I'm told the Delly is running late, as usual.

A little while later the sky is dark enough to finally light the bonfire, when head quarterback Gloss Richardson stands atop one of the many log benches surrounding the pit to get out attention.

"Everyone shut the fuck up!" He yells. People laugh and quiet down, waiting for his speech.

"Alright fuckers," he begins with a smile on his face, "I'm not about to get all sentimental on you, but this night signifies our last fall season as high schoolers. Some of you I will probably see at college next year, and some of you I pray to God I don't see ever again. But whichever category you fall into, I hope you make this year as memorable as possible. I herby christen thee Class of 2013s Bonfire Celebration!"

And with that he throws the beer he was holding down into the pit. It shatters, and a few seconds later he throws a match he has lighted down on the same spot. The logs catch fire, and soon we have a warm, roaring flame in front of us.

We're standing around eating s'mores, listening to Finnick tell some ridiculous story about a hot teacher he has at PU. Annie rolls here eyes, but gives him a teasing smile, knowing he's not serious, just a dumbass.

I'm looking down, trying to arrange my sticky marshmallow on my chocolate graham cracker when I hear Delly's voice calling us.

"Hey guys!" Sorry we're late".

_We're?_

I look up just in time to see her making her way over to us, with someone trailing behind her.

No, not just someone. Him.

Peeta.

_Fuck_.

On impulse I look over at Finnick, and he's looking back at me with a huge, mocking smile. I stare daggers at him until Delly and Peeta make their way over to us. My face softens when I look at Peeta, but he won't meet my eyes.

"Hey Peeta! How are you man!" Finnick says loudly, clapping Peeta on the back.

"I'm well." he chuckles. "How are you doing Finnick?"

"Oh, I'm just peachy," Finn relplies, "in fact, I was just telling Ms. Everdeen over there about how luck I am to have a girlfriend like Annie. Do you have a girlfriend Peet?" His bluntness with this question is over the top, even for Finnick.

I see Peeta's cheeks turn a little pink, and even in the glow from the fire I can't help but admire how attractive he is.

"Um, no I don't" He says , trying to mask his discomfort with a chuckle.

"Interesting…" Finnick trails off, giving me a side-ways glance with a cat-like grin on his face.

"Yeah…" Peeta says, finally glancing up at me. He realizes I was looking at him, and he gives me a small smile. I think I smile back, but I can't tell. His eyes look at me softly for a minute before turning away to the new conversation that has been started.

It feels really awkward being around him after what happened, but honestly not as bad as I though it would be. He doesn't seem put-off by my presence, and stays rather quite while he listens to Gale and Finnick argue over the best way to cheat on a test.

_He's probably just shy because he doesn't really know our group yet _I think to myself.

The night wears on, and I find myself getting a little chilly, despite the raging bonfire behind me. I walk over slowly and sit down on one of the log benches near the fire, wrapping my arms around my torso, trying to get warm again. I sit there for a few minutes before I feel someone shit down on the log next to me. I curse whoever it is, wishing I could just have a moment of peace and quite, when I hear them speak.

"Nice night, huh?" I know that voice. It's deep, not manly-man deep, but rather soothing and quiet. I look over and see Peeta, sitting about a foot away from me on the log, looking up at the sky. I look up as well and see millions of stars, smiling to myself.

"Yeah, it is. The stars are beautiful."

_Oh my god, I was actually able to say something to him without running away and having a panic attack _I celebrate in my mind.

"They really are…" He replies.

We sit there in silence for a few minutes, staring into the fire, when he gets up suddenly and looks down at me.

"Want to go for a walk? Down the beach?" I am hesitant at first to go anywhere with someone I hardly know, but I find myself trusting Peeta more than I probably should.

"Uh, sure." I say, standing up. We walk around the other side of the bonfire and continue in the opposite direction of the party. I am cold again, but can feel the heat radiating off of Peeta's body like a furnace. We walk in silence for a good amount of time when Peeta stops abruptly and sits down in the sand. I take the hint, sitting down next to him, glancing back to see we are actually a good distance away from everyone else. I hug my knees to my chest and stare out at the water. I'm not sure why I agreed to go on a walk with him, especially since he hasn't even talked to me yet, but it's nice to have some quite.

I hear him sigh and he says, "God, I've missed this place. My father used to always take my brothers and I to this beach when we were little."

I don't know how to respond, so I agree with him by saying, "Yeah, my dad used to take my sister and I here when we were little, too. I haven't been back in a long time."

"Prim, right?" he says as he looks at me. I smile and nod.

_How did he remember her name after all this time? _

He nods back and returns his gaze to the water in front of us. We sit in awkward silence for a minute before I can stop what I say from coming out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry about the way I acted at the barbeque. I didn't mean to run away from you, I've just been dealing with a lot lately and I didn't feel good."

He gives me a large smile in return and shrugs his shoulders. "Oh hey, don't worry about it. We all have our days. I can't say that I would blame you for running away though, when I moved away we weren't exactly best friends."

I wince, "Yeah, I'm sorry about that too. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that when we were little. And I should have given you more of an apology."

He laughs again. "Again, it's no big deal. I probably came on a little to strong for a five year old. I deserved it."

I laugh back at him and he goes silent for a few minutes before he continues.

"I did mean what I said though, about you." I look at him, shocked at what he's saying. "I did think you were pretty. You still are, just an older version."

I blush furiously at this compliment.

_How can he say that? He hasn't seen me in ten years. _

I don't know how to respond, so I try to change the subject.

"So why did your family move? I mean, you guys just kinda up and left."

His face goes sad for a moment before he focuses his gaze back on me. "My grandfather on my dad's side had just passed away, and he left his bakery in Texas to my dad in his will. My dad grew up in that bakery; and he didn't really want to sell it. So my dad quit his job here and moved the family out to Texas, becoming owner and continuing on the family business."

"Did you work there?" I ask him.

He smiles again and says, "Yeah. My brothers worked there out of force, but I really enjoyed working there. I always loved being with my dad, learning baking secrets and decorating all our specialty cakes. I actually want to be able to open up another bakery here after I graduate."

I am surprised when I answer him, "Oh, that's really cool. So what are you going to study in college?"

"I plan on majoring in business and getting a minor in art. I would make art my major, but my mother would never allow it. And she's the one paying for my education, so…" he trails off.

Ah, yes, how could anyone ever forget Mamma Mellark? Even as little kids she scared us all half to death. Any time I saw her she was always in a bad mood or yelling at one of her kids. I always thought it was funny that while Peeta is quiet and kind, his mother is like the spawn of Satan.

_He must be more like his father. Mr. Mellark was always very nice. _

"I'm sorry, that sucks." I say lowly.

He shrugs. "Yeah, but, at least I get to go to college, especially out here. I could be stuck at a state school." I nod and he continues after a few moments. "So, what are you planning on majoring in?"

"Biology." I say. He smiles and laughs again.

_Does this kid ever stop smiling?_

"Ahhh, I see. Katniss Everdeen has a little science nerd in her?"

I chuckle back, "Yeah I guess."

"I'm not surprised really, I always knew you liked the outdoors."

_How did he know that?_

We continue talking about miscellaneous things. He tells me about what it was like growing up in Texas, and I tell him how boring life has been the past decade in this little Podunk town. Peeta is so incredibly easy to talk to, I don't think I've ever been this confortable around anyone, just talking about random stuff.

I notice the way the sparkling water reflects off the moon catching the blue in his eyes, making them look like they're twinkling. I notice the way his lips move when he talks, and the hand gestures he makes when he gets excited about something. I find myself noticing all these little things that I overlook in almost everyone else I know.

And I think I like it.

Much to my dismay, when he finally offers that we start to head back to the fire, I relent. He stands up, favoring one of his legs a little bit, but I brush it off to being seated in this lumpy sand for so long. He offers me a hand to help me up, which I take hesitantly.

When our hands touch, it feels like an electrical spark is sent form his body to mine. This is the first physical contact we've had since kindergarten, and the significance of the act is not lost on either of us.

I can see an emotion flint across his face. _Want? Desire? Lust?_ I don't have time to figure it out because it disappears as soon as it arrived.

"Thank you." I say lowly.

"No problem" he replies, starting to trudge back to the party. We walk along in silence, edging in closer and closer to the fire.

He clears his throat, "So… hey…. Would you-maybe… want to do something- you know, sometime soon?"

I almost laugh at his shyness, but find it rather flattering.

_I'm still in shock he actually wants to hang out with me after all I've done to him._

"Yeah, I think I would like that." I reply softly, smiling at him.

He gives me a relieved smile and breathes out, "Great."

I grin back at him when we finally reach the bonfire. We find our group again and I can immediately feel Finnick's eyes on me. I look at him and give him a challenging stare, and he just shakes his head, giving me a knowing glance.

_Asshole. _

"So Peeta, how you liking Panem? Is it different than you remember?" Gale asks.

"Yeah, it's a little different," Peeta replies, "But just as beautiful as I remember. I was honestly expecting it to be completely different, but so far I've been pleasantly surprised."

"Where are you staying?" Madge asks.

"I found an apartment not too far from Delly's house. It's a really good price and will be more than enough to hold me over until next fall."

"So, you've got your own apartment, huh?" Finnick says to Peeta, glancing over at me, looking like his stupid grin is going to jump off his face. I look down at the ground and blush beet red at his insinuation.

"Yeah, it's really nice." Peeta says again, a little confused.

We all fall into mindless chatter, Peeta telling me an entertaining story about one of his brothers. He has me laughing hysterically when all the sudden a loud, obnoxious voice breaks through the conversation.

"Peeeeeeettttttaaaaa!" Clove Matthews screeches at him, drunkenly throwing an arm across his shoulder, like they've been best friends for years.

"Hi Clove," he says politely, "How are you?"

"Oh, I'm just grrrreeeeeaaaattt." She drags out, "It's so nice to see you back here. If you would have told me this summer I would have ever seen the handsome Peeta Mellark again, I would have thought you were crazy."

"Yeah, well, here I am." He says uncomfortably, brushing off the compliment and looking at me, giving me a small wink. I laugh at him, an action that catches Clove's attention.

"Oh, and you're hanging out with her. What's your name again? Katpiss?"

"Nice to see you too, Clove." I say sarcastically at the nickname she gave me when we were little.

She leans over to Peeta, whispering in his ear, but loud enough to make sure I hear it.

"Peeta, listen to me," she slurs, "Whatever you do, don't get mixed up with Katpiss over here. If you do, there's a good chance you'll end up in jail."

I see the confusion on Peeta's face, and when he looks over at me I am too stunned to look away.

_What did she just say? She doesn't know what happened… _

Clove sees the look on Peeta's face and continues excitedly.

"Oh yes, Peeta. Be careful with this one over here. She'll put you away for life."

Confusion in still littered across his face, and he's looking at me expectantly.

"Oh Katniss, guess who I was talking to the other day?" She asks me, a knowing smile on her face.

"Brutus! You know, your boyfriends brother? He told me the most interesting story about you."

At this point I don't think I could say anything to save my life. I feel the anxiety creeping in, and can feel the unshed tears wetting my eyes.

_She knows. _I say to myself. _She knows and now she's going to tell everyone. _

"He told me that his little brother is going to jail because Katniss Everdeen can't take a dick."

"Katniss, what is she talking about?" Peeta ask me softly, giving me a concerned look. I just stare at him, my mind blank.

As if I'm watching my life fall apart in slow motion, I see Clove stand up on one of the log benches.

"Everyone! Everyone listen up!" she yells. Every head at the party falls silent, and turns to look at her. A big smile crosses her face and she continues.

"Something terrible has happened to a beloved friend of ours. Some of you may know Cato Billings, some of you may have even been friends with him. Whatever the case, I'm here to tell you that it's very possible you will never see him again after this month. And it's all thanks to her."

As she says this, she points one of her perfectly manicured fingernails at me, an evil smile lacing her face.

"Yes," she goes on, "You heard right. Apparently, if you have sex with the wrong person, they turn into the little girl who cried rape, and you can spend the rest of your life in jail for something you didn't do. So, if you know Cato, send him a prayer, because all he did was try to be a good boyfriend to this little lying whore over here, and he's going to pay for it for the rest of his life. Guys, be careful who you dip your wick into, especially you Peeta, because if it's with the wrong person, you become a rapist."

She finishes, and I can't look anywhere but straight ahead. I can feel everyone's eyes on me, mouths hanging open in shock.

And Peeta.

I can hear his breathing next to me because everyone else is so quiet. I stay still, trying to wrap my mind around what just happened. This doesn't feel real.

_Wake up, please wake up_ I tell my mind. _This is just a dream._

I don't know how long I stand there, but without warning, as fast as I can, I take off running towards the parking lot.

It feels like someone is hitting me in the chest with a baseball bat over and over again, the panic and the tears finally coming to fruition. My throat feels like it's closing up and I will my legs to pump faster, trying to put as much distance between myself and the party as I can.

_Everyone knows_ I tell myself.

_Everyone knows what happened. _

_And now they all think it's my fault. _

_That's because it is._

I can hear people calling my name, begging me to come back. I push out their voices as I run through the parking lot and down the street before they can catch me.

I run and run and run, wishing a car would just round the corner and hit me so this nightmare would be over.

_Where am I going?_

I finally stop running when it feels like my lungs are going to explode. When I figure out where I am, I'm surprised to see that I've run about eight miles into town without stopping.

I look up to see the gas station on the corner of the road, across from a heavily wooded area on the side of the highway. I slowly make my way over to the woods, walking in as deep as I dare to go at night. I settle myself down under one of the large trees, trying to sink into the ground and disappear.

I don't cry.

I don't breathe.

I just try to remain as silent as possible; like this is a dream, and if I lay really still I'll wake up. I hear several cars come screeching up the highway, and I figure it's probably my friends looking for me.

_Let them look_ I think. _Maybe if they don't find me they'll just forget I ever existed. _

I slowly close my eyes, willing the darkness of the woods to take me under.

The last thought I have before my mind succumbs to sleep is one of desperation.

_This has to end. _

_I have to make this end. _

_And there's only one way to do it._

* * *

**_I hope you guys liked this chapter! More to come soon! Please review and let me know what you think 3_**


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: This chapter contains triggers. Reader discretion is advised.**

* * *

Chapter 10

The air is like ice, and the ground is hard and uncomfortable. I open my eyes to see the sky is a shade of grey I love: not dark, but not too light. It means the sun is just starting to rise, but everything else on earth is still asleep.

I used to love this time of day when I was young. I would sometimes get up early just to see the color of the sky, if only for a minute, before I went back to bed. I think I like this color so much because it reminds me of my father's eyes (eyes that I inherited, but look much better on him), their smoky grey shade giving me comfort. This color always gave me comfort and made me feel safe and loved throughout my life.

Too bad it can't do that today.

I don't know how long I slept; it only felt like an hour at the most. All I remember is running into the woods and falling asleep under the tree I am now looking up at. I can see the morning light softly peeking through the leaves, casting faint shadows on the ground.

I didn't dream and I didn't have any nightmares. I think this was my mind telling me it's okay; it's okay to finally let go of everything and just exist for the next few hours before I carry out what I decided to do last night.

It has been in the back of my mind since the night of the attack, never completely going away. Always there, as kind of a last-ditch effort. But because of recent events, it has become my number one priority.

_Well, no time like the present. _

I stand up slowly, my legs wobbling a bit. I stretch my back, and it cracks loudly from sleeping on the forest floor. I start to trudge quietly out of the wooded area, taking my time to admire the beauty of the trees around me. I want to take in every detail and commit them to memory, so I won't feel so alone in the hours to come.

I make my way to the edge of the woods, looking up and down the highway for any sign of life. I don't see a single soul for miles, the gas station across the street completely empty and closed down.

_Everyone is probably still in bed, warm and bundled under the covers, waiting for the new day to start. _

I cross the highway and walk through the parking lot of the gas station, and enter the woods again from that side. I know exactly where I'm going; I have my dad to thank for that. He's been taking me on hikes through these canyons since I could walk, and taught me everything I need to know about wilderness survival.

It would be quicker to get to my destination if I walked through town, but I don't think that's a good idea considering people are probably there looking for me. None of my friends know these woods like I do, so it's unlikely they would think to check for me here.

I make my way deep into the woods, keeping an eye on the ground for a specific object I'm looking for. I'm about thirty minutes into my walk when I finally find it, and pick it up to examine it before I tuck it into the pocket of my sweatshirt.

_Finally, something goes right. _

There is no wind in the air, but the temperature outside has to be only a couple degrees above freezing. I can feel my nose turning to ice, and my cheeks are red from exertion but frozen at the same time. I concentrate on the puffs of air coming from my mouth, the air so cold it makes it look like I'm smoking a cigarette.

I'm plodding along when I hear something off to my right side. I freeze, thinking it might be a wolf or a bear, both of which are common in this area. I turn to look, slowing my movements as to not frighten whatever is there.

When I lift my head I see a beautiful deer, munching on some of the shrubs on the ground. She looks a little thin, probably from almost all her food being frozen. I look closer and see she has a little fawn with her, the baby deer a little pudgy and positively cute.

They are both trying to eat the frozen shrubs when the baby makes a complaining sound, and the mother snorts back at her.

_Pretty much any mother-child relationship _I laugh to myself. The action makes me chuckle softly, but when I do the mother deer hears me. She lifts her head up in alert, staring straight at me, trying to decide if I'm a threat. They're about twenty feet away, but I can feel the tension coming off of her. The baby lifts his head as well, looking at me, although not as alarmed as it's mother.

I see a rather fresh-looking shrub off to my left, and very slowly start to walk over to it, keeping my eyes on the deer. Once I'm there, I bend down and pull some of the weeds away from the ground, and turn back towards the pair. Even slower I hold out the plants, walking as quietly as I can towards them. Normally you're advised to stay away from deer, but at this point I figure I have nothing left to lose. The mother's gaze is so intensely trained on me, her black eyes sizing me up.

She lets me get closer and closer, eventually within a few feet of her and her baby. I squat down, and hold out the shrubs to them as a peace offering. I sit there for a few minutes, the mother deer never taking here eyes off of me. My legs are starting to hurt from squatting, and I'm just about to give up when the baby takes a tentative step towards me. I'm as still as I can be as she gets closer and closer.

When she's right in front of me, she stretches out her neck and takes the end of the shrubs into her mouth. I hold my breath so I don't scare her, and let her nibble on them. She begins eating them out of my hand, completely trusting me even though I've given her no reason to.

_I hope she grows up not to be this trustful of people in the future _I think_. _

_Trusting the wrong people can ruin your life. _

She finishes the meal out of my hands and slowly turns back towards her mother. We stare at each other for a few more minutes before I decide to move on to do what I came into the woods to do.

I stand slowly and turn my back to them. I walk in the opposite direction for a good amount of time before I stop and look over my shoulder.

Both the deer are gone, and I don't see any trace of them.

_Maybe that was all in my head? _I ask myself.

_No, it felt too real. I have to have hope that it was real. _

I continue my journey for about another forty-five minutes before I finally reach my destination. The air is even more bitingly cold out here, and when I see the small lake ahead of me I have as much relief as the situation can give me.

My father used to take Prim and I to this lake when we were just learning to swim. He took us here instead of the beach because the ocean's waves are rough and can make swimming difficult, but this lake is always so calm and clear, it was the perfect place. We would come out here and bring picnics, jumping into the deep end and sunning ourselves on the hot rocks. Some of my best memories have been made here, so I only thought it fitting they would leave here with me.

I walk up to the shore of the lake and see that about six feet in around the entire shore the lake is already frozen over with ice. Its not very thick right now, but as time goes on and the colder the weather gets the more it will freeze, until it's one solid block of ice.

I look across the lake to the other side, and to my relief the water under the big boulders we used as diving boards is not frozen yet. The water is grey, reflecting off the sky, but clear as always.

On a sunny day, this water is a brilliant shade of blue, kind of like Peeta's eyes.

_Peeta. _

The though of his eyes makes me realize I never said goodbye to anyone, or even left a note.

_Not that I had the time _I think as I walk around to the boulders on the opposite side of the lake.

_They'll probably never find me. Maybe they'll think I ran away or got eaten by a large animal or something. _

_It's really for the best; I hope they don't find me. No one needs to see that. _

I think about my family, and how much I'm going to miss them. No matter what has happened in my life, they have always been there for me, ready to help. They just couldn't help this time.

_It's not even their fault they couldn't help. I've been a lost cause since that night, a ticking time bomb. _

_This end was inevitable. _

I think about my mother and father, how supportive they've always been of me and how they've shaped the person I am today.

_I'm sorry mom, _I say to myself_. _

_I'm sorry I let this go so far. But please know that I love you. I love you and dad so much, and please know that none of this was your fault. _

I think of Prim. Sweet, innocent Prim who has her whole life ahead of her.

_Please take care of her_ I pray. _Please let her go on to go to school, become the nurse she wants to be, find someone who loves her, get married and have babies. Please help her move on from this to become the person I know she can be._

I can feel the tears starting to roll down my cheeks, but they're not violent, for once, just very calming.

I think of my friends. Friends I've had since the beginning of time, who have been there to make me laugh and make me feel wanted.

Gale, Madge, Finnick, Annie, Delly, Johanna, and even Thom.

_They're going to move on and become amazing people; the types of people who can grow up to change the world. _

_I really hope I get to see them again one day. _

The tears are still rolling down my cheeks when I reach into my pocket and pull out the object I found on my walk. I look at it, talking in the razor sharp edges and the smooth texture of the rock.

I look down at the water again, and notice it is getting lighter and bluer as the morning wears on and the grey in the sky is replaced by blue.

I think back to Peeta, his blue eyes always so kind, even as a child. I think about his blonde hair, a little shaggy but short enough to not be in his eyes. I think about all his facial features, which make him look so handsome. I grin when I think about his laugh, and the way his small dimples pop out when he smiles. I think about his soothing voice, and how just last night I finally felt comfortable with someone I barely knew.

I wish I could have gotten to know him better. I feel like he would have been someone I could get along with for the rest of my life. Now I'll never know if that would have happened.

_I'm sorry, Peeta. I'm so sorry. _

Slowly, I begin to remove my clothes: first my sweatshirt, and then the t-shirt underneath it. As soon as they come off, the icy air makes all my hairs stand up, my skin crawling with goose bumps. I take my jeans off, my teeth starting to chatter from the cold. I leave on my bra and underwear, thinking that in case someone does find me, at least I won't be naked.

I sit down on, the rock instantly numbing my butt, and dangle my legs out over the deep water. I lay my left arm, palm side up against my thigh and pick up my sharp rock.

Slowly, I bring the rock down to my wrist and push lightly, dragging it against my skin vertically. It hurts really badly, but the pain feels good. It feels my body is purging itself of an illness. I stop and examine my arm. Blood starts slowly seeping out of the cut, and a minute later I am bleeding heavily.

I look at it, satisfied, and do it again, starting another line on the same arm next to the original. I continue my work, thinking about everything leading up to this moment.

_The night with Cato, the night I could have prevented_

_The sleeping._

_The starving._

_Hating myself because of what happened. _

_Feeling like my parents were disappointed in me._

_Having to tell Johanna and Finnick what happened. _

_Feeling helpless, like I would never get my life back. _

_Last night. _

_The bonfire. _

_Talking to Peeta. _

_Clove telling everyone what happened and how it was my fault. _

_Everyone going quiet and staring at me- blaming me for what happened. _

_Falling asleep, thinking that it would just be better if Katniss Everdeen didn't exist anymore. _

_That everyone would benefit if I was just gone for good. _

I look down and see the streaks across both my arms and thighs, the deep red of my blood a stark contrast to my now pale skin tone. Satisfied, I throw the rock into the water below me, watching as it sinks to the bottom.

I stand up on shaky legs and hang my toes over the edge of the rock. I let my arms fall to my side as I close my eyes, breathing deeply.

In the last moments, the faces of everyone I ever cared about flash through my mind, like snapshots of my old life.

_This is right _I tell myself.

_This is what needs to happen, for everyone's sake. _

_No more fighting. No more crying. No more worrying. No more nightmares. _

_Peace at last._

With this last thought I jump out as far as I can, sailing feet-first through the air, plunging down into the lake.

The second the water hits my skin, it feels like a million knives stabbing me all over my body. The temperature knocks the wind out of my lungs; my new cuts burning like they're on fire.

_And it all feels good. _

I resurface, my hair already forming ice in it, as my teeth are full on shaking. I take a few deep breaths and force my body to move, making it so I'm floating on my back with my arms out to the side.

Once I'm laying belly up in the water, my mind starts to shut off. It shuts out the cold, the pain, and the anger. I focus my gaze on the leaves of the giant trees above me. I can see the sun finally peeking through, making the sky be half light blue, half light shades of pink, yellow and orange.

It reminds me of the colors of a sunset.

I've stopped shivering. My body has grown completely numb, and I can't feel my limbs.

The only thing I can feel is my heart beating against my chest, getting slower and slower until the beats are few and far between. I can feel the blackness creeping into my vision, but this time I welcome it with open arms.

Everything starts going blurry, and just before I close my eyes for the last time, I see two birds fly across the sky over the lake.

I think it is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, because that's how I feel in this moment.

I feel like one of those birds.

_I finally feel free._

* * *

**Ahhh this chapter was really hard to write, mostly because I wanted it to be sad but understandable at the same time. I hope you guys like it, please review! They literally make my day! :)**_  
_


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

White.

This is all I see.

I am in a white room, no walls. The room is indefinite, stretching into infinity, giving me no context as to where I am. This uncertainty is frightening; I can't remember how I got here.

All I know is that I've never felt more alone.

The room is silent.

It's so silent, in fact, I can hear my own blood pumping in my ears. The sound is horrible, and the louder it gets, the dizzier I feel.

It gets to be unbearable, making me cry out in anguish and put my hands over my ears.

"Ahhhh!" I fall to my knees, resting my forehead on the ground, wishing the sound of flowing blood would leave me.

"Katniss!" I freeze. I look up, removing my hands from my ears.

_Did someone just say my name, or am I hallucinating? _

I listen closely, waiting for the sound again. I'm about to demote it to me hearing things when my ears pick it up again.

"Katniss!" It's soft, far off in the distance, but panic laced nonetheless. I don't recognize the voice, and right now I don't know if I can trust it.

I hear it again, and try to localize the sound. I can't tell which direction it's coming from, it feels like it's all around me, but unreachable at the same time. I stand, trying to find the source, but there's no one in sight. All I see is a never-ending stream of white.

"Katniss!" I hear it again, a little louder this time, and whip my head around.

_It came from my left. It definitely came from the left. _

I start fast walking down that way, hoping I can find the person calling my name.

"Katniss!" I hear again, much louder and much closer. "I'm here!" I shout, breaking into a run.

I hear it again and again, getting louder and more intense with each step o take forward.

"I'm here! I'm here!" I chant, tears spilling onto my cheeks.

I can tell it's a girl's voice, probably a young girl. I know I've heard it before, but I don't remember whom it belongs to.

"Katniss, please wake up!" I hear the voice scream, feeling like the sound is right on top of me.

"I'm coming!" I yell back. "I'm coming!" I'm sprinting as fast as I can when everything around me that was white turns to black. I stop, scared at what is happening. I look around frantically for an explanation. I can see ahead of me, there is a light, like a light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

I start running towards it, trying to get away from the black. More and more tears come and it feels like my lungs are going to burst wide open.

"Clear!" I hear a deep mans' voice shout.

"I'm here! I'm here!" I sob.

"Clear!" I hear again. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer, becoming brighter and brighter as I run. I force my legs to go faster, I want nothing more than to reach the light. I don't know why, but I feel like I will be safe if I do.

"Clear!" I hear again, but this time I feel something in my chest. It feels like I just stuck my finger in an electrical outlet. This forces me to go faster, to run harder, despite to sobs that are racking my body.

"I'm coming!" I croak out. The light is just out of reach, a few more yards and I should be there.

"We got a pulse!" I hear the voice say.

In that moment I run into the light. It is so blindingly bright I try to look away, but there is nowhere else to look. My body feels like it is in free-fall, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

"She's stabilizing…" I hear. I wonder what the voice is talking about, but don't have time to think about it before everything goes black.

* * *

I hear voices around me. I can't tell what they're saying; they sound muffled, like someone is trying to talk to me through a windowpane. My body feels like an icicle, like I've been laying in the snow for days. My limbs are numb and useless. I try to open my eyes, but the lids won't budge. I attempt to move a foot, or a finger, but it feels like my body is paralyzed. I can't find the energy to do anything, so I succumb to the darkness behind my eyes and give up.

* * *

The next time I come into consciousness, I don't hear any voices. It feels like someone is holding my hand, but I still can't move my fingers. My body feels stiff as a board, still cold, and at this point I'm getting very frustrated.

_Why can't I just open my fucking eyes?_

I feel exhausted, like I can't muster up enough energy to do anything. But I feel anything but rested.

* * *

When I open my eyes, the first thing I notice is the brightness of the room. Even though I've only opened them a centimeter, I can see the sunlight streaming through a window on the wall.

_Where am I?_

I can still feel someone holding my hand, and with all my strength force my head to turn so I can see who it is. As I look, I recognize the head of hair resting on the bed next to my legs.

My dad's face is relaxed with sleep, no expressions evident. My vision is still a little blurry, so I command my body to move, to at least do something other than lay here. I twitch my fingers, my dad's larger hand encasing mine, making it warm. This doesn't seem to do anything, so I try it again but with more force. This time it's enough to cause him to stir, and when he opens his eyes I see relief instantly flood his grey irises.

"Katniss!" he says as his head shoots up, looking at me with a shocked expression on his face.

"Dad?" I croak out, my throat so dry it feels like the worst sore throat I could ever have. "Where am I?" I ask softly.

His mouth gapes open like a fish, not answering me. He stands up quickly and runs to the door, making me feel alone.

"Wait!" I screech. I think he shouts to someone in the hallway, and before I know it a doctor and a nurse come rushing into the room. My dad stands back as the doctor moves closer, shining a light in my eyes.

"Katniss, can you hear me?" he asks. I nod my head, my eyes hurting from the light. He puts the light into his breast pocket and pulls his stethoscope from around his neck and places the cold metal onto my chest above my heart, listening carefully. Satisfied, he removes the device and hangs it back around his neck, and then takes two fingers on each hand, placing them on my throat. His fingers are like ice as he starts pressing and massaging different parts of my neck, a look of concentration on his face.

_What is he doing? _

He pulls back and gives me a small smile, handing me some water from the bedside table. I sip it slowly, the water burning my throat like lava.

"Katniss, do you know why you're here?" A strange sense of Déjà vu hits me all of the sudden. I don't know why I'm here _this _time, but I remember having a similar conversation with a doctor when I came to the hospital after Cato raped me.

_Oh, that's why I'm here. I remember now. _

_Cato. Cinna. Haymitch. Newspapers. The bonfire. The beach. Clove. The woods. The deer. My lake. The water. _

_The sky. _

_The birds. _

_Freedom. _

All of the sudden I am so inexplicably angry I'm in the hospital right now. This was not supposed to happen. I'm supposed to be gone, never to be seen again. That's what I wanted more than anything and now I'll never get another opportunity.

The doctor takes my silence as a no and continues. "You're father found you at the lake and brought you here as soon as he could. We treated you for extreme hypothermia and blood loss, but because of the combination of the two, your heart did stop beating, but for how long we're not sure. We had to defibrillate you, and thankfully your body responded, leaving you in your current stabilized condition. You may feel cold still, a common side effect of exposure to hypothermia. Do you have any questions?"

I look down at my feet, seething with anger.

_Of course my dad found me. The one fucking person who knows I could have gone to the lake, and he just had to check it. _

_Why did my dad have to rescue me? Why couldn't he just let me die? Now he's fucked everything up._

Once again, the doctor takes my silence as a no and goes on. "We will have to keep you here for a few days, maybe a week, to monitor your condition. Because your heart stopped, there is a good chance that as blood flows back to your heart you could go into cardiac arrest. Also, due to the circumstances, your parents have decided it would be best if you talked to one of our resident psychiatrists about why you're here-"

The cold, unemotional tone with which he speaks to me makes me snap. Like it's every day someone who wants to be dead is brought in, and he's a God among men for bringing them back. Before I know what I'm saying, I cut him off, my anger bubbling over.

"Oh, is that what they think? Well, guess what! I don't give a fuck, I'm not talking to any fucking shrinks anymore. I'm done."

"Katniss," my father begins softly, "Please, listen to the doctor baby-"

"AND YOU!" I scream at him. "I HATE YOU! I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone in my life."

I can see the hurt expression on his face, but I don't care at all at this point.

"Why didn't you just let me die?" I shriek. "That's what I fucking wanted. Why can't you people get that through your heads? I want to die! I can't take it anymore! You have no idea what it's like! I was finally happy, and now you've taken that away from me!"

I can feel the hot, hateful tears burning my cold cheeks.

I look my dad dead in the eye, and with the most unforgiving, cold voice I can, say "I will NEVER forgive you for what you've done. Never."

I feel my body start to convulse with anger as I try to get out of the bed so I can go after my dad. All I want to do is claw his eyes out right now. I make a move to stand up before anyone can stop me, but as soon as my feet touch the ground, my legs give out and I collapse.

The doctor calls for backup as he and the nurse try to help me back to bed. I lunge myself at my father, trying to make him feel the pain I'm feeling right now. I see tears streaming down his face, but I am so mad at what he's done to me I couldn't care less.

I lunge at him again, and it takes a third person to hold me back. They force me back into the bed, wrestling my arms and legs into the soft restraints. I'm flailing around wildly, trying to kick them off, when I look down and for the first time see my forearms and thighs covered in gauze and bandages. This distracts me for a moment, and the doctors see their opportunity to restrain me.

Even though the cuffs hold me down, I still kick and shout, screaming expletives at the doctors and my dad as loud as I can. I feel like one of those possessed people in horror movies, but I can't stop. I see a nurse come over with a syringe and before I can get another hateful work out, she injects me with the sedative. I instantly feel my eyes droop and my limbs go weak, the coldness in my body returning.

The last thing I see before I close my eyes is my dad standing off to the side, crying. And all I can think is how much I hate him in this moment for saving me when I didn't want to be saved.

_I'll never forgive him._

* * *

The next time I awake, I can still feel the restraints around my limbs.

_They must have never taken them off _I think bitterly.

I look around and thank the lord my dad is gone.

_I never want to see his face again_.

I don't know who I am more mad at: my dad, for fucking everything up and finding me; or myself, because I was banking on the fact no one, not even him, would think to check to see if I was at the lake. I sit in my bed for a few hours, thinking about how things went from so perfect to so horrible in a matter of hours. Tears start rolling down my cheeks involuntarily.

_I was finally happy. I was finally at peace. _

_Why couldn't I get what I want, just this one time? _

Soon after, one of the psychiatrists in the hospital comes to talk to me, but I don't listen to a word she says. I don't give her any answers either; I don't know this person and I'm sure as fuck not going to tell her anything about how I wish I was dead right now.

_I wish Cinna were here. At least I know him. _

The shrink leaves and I'm left alone with my hateful thoughts again. The doctor comes in at some point to check my vitals or some shit like that.

_Jesus Christ, can't these people ever just leave me alone? _

He asks me if I want to see my family, and I tell him no. I don't want to see them. Not even Prim. In fact I would be happy if I never saw them again, which is what I would have gotten if my dad hadn't intervened.

_I hate him, and I hate them._

* * *

The days that follow my stay in the hospital follow in a similar fashion. At the end of the first week, once the doctor declares that I should be free from having a relapse and going into cardiac arrest, they transfer me to the psychiatric wing, so they can give my room to someone else who needs it.

_Oh goody, now I get to live with the other crazies for God knows how long. _

They don't even let me try to walk to my new room or put me in a wheel chair; they simply push my still-restrained body on my original bed through the hospital, dragging my saline IV behind me.

Others in the hospital give me funny looks, but I don't fucking care.

They can all go to Hell.

I'm put into a smaller room this time, and then I am finally left alone for a little bit. Before I know it though, the same psychiatrist comes back to try to get me to "open up" to her and "tell her how I feel."

_Bitch, how do you think I feel? I'm alive, but not by my own will. _

The second week in the hospital progresses even slower than the first one; I still refuse to see my family, and when the doctor tells me some of my friends are here, I refuse to see them too.

_Maybe if I push everyone away, they will actually start treating me like I'm dead. Yeah, that's a good plan. I could get away with this after all… _

Unfortunately, I can feel my traitorous body responding to the medical care I'm being given; I'm not cold anymore, and I can feel my muscles getting stronger by the day. They have me stand and do physical therapy in my room, taking away all sharp objects and even going as far as to have a nurse in the corner of the room holding a sedative, watching me, waiting to intervene if I try to kill myself again.

_God forbid I actually succeed this time._

* * *

The second Friday I'm in the hospital, I wake up from a night of dreams where I am running away from a figure (a monster or something, I don't know), and just as I feel like I'm about to get away, it pounces on me, jolting me out of my sleep. I can only help but think these new nightmares are the result of my failed attempt to get away from the thing holding me back.

Tiredly, I look over and see one of my nurses arranging a plastic container of some type of flower next to my bed.

I think I recognize the flowers, and then it hits me. _Dandelions. _

I open my mouth hesitantly and ask with a slight edge to my voice, "Who are those from?" She looks over at me, noticing I'm awake.

"I'm not sure," she says, "They were dropped off at the front desk this morning. But whoever brought them left a card. Would you like to read it?" I think for a moment, deciding if I care enough about some stupid flowers to find out who gave them to me. I shrug, making up my mind. "Sure, whatever."

She smiles at me and hands me a folded piece of paper lying on the table next to the flowers. They finally uncuffed my wrists, and I figured I probably shouldn't test fate to try anything because I really hate being restrained. I wait for her to leave the room before I open the card, taking in the slightly slanted handwriting.

_**Dear Katniss,** _

_**I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but I'm really glad you're okay. I can't pretend to know what you're going through, I can only imagine. But I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you, everyday and every night. I hope I can see you soon, I really miss you. Just please know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and that you're not alone in this. You're going to get through this Katniss, I know you will. And when you do we'll all be here waiting for you. I hope you like the flowers.** _

_**Love, Peeta.** _

**_P.S. I hope I can still take you out on that date I promised you when you come home._**

I sit there stunned at this letter Peeta wrote me.

He_ misses me? He actually wants to see me again, after everything he knows? _

_No, he just sent these flowers and this note as a pity gift, he doesn't really care. And how can he still want to go on a date with me after I've been labeled the 'girl who cried rape' and tried to kill myself? _

I shake my head at the ridiculousness of his letter, looking down to read it again.

And again.

And again.

Every time I read it, it becomes less suspicious in my eyes and more genuine. I've accused Peeta once for lying when he wasn't, and I don't think I have it in me to do it again.

Then I feel it.

It only stays for a second, but I feel it in my chest.

It's an emotion I though at this point my body was incapable of producing, given all the hate and anger of the past two weeks. It feels like small spark, spreading from my chest to the rest of the body. And the only thing in the past two weeks that has given me this feeling has been this letter.

This letter has given me the one thing I need if I want to ever get out of this hospital.

_The flowers and letter Peeta has sent me have given me hope.  
_

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Please review and/or send me a PM if you want to, I want to know what you guys are thinking! :)**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

(2 weeks later)

I am so ready to get out of this hospital it's not even funny.

The past few weeks have been anything but fun, and if I have to write about my feelings one more time I'm going to lose my mind.

As much as I want to convince myself it didn't, the hospital has actually helped me in the weeks I've been here. I mean, they helped me against my own will, but I'm feeling a little better nonetheless. After the first few sessions with my assigned psychiatrist went horribly, the hospital realized it was going nowhere and did something I was not expecting.

Apparently they had talked to my mom, and she told them how well I had responded to Cinna when I first started seeing him, and she thought it might help if he came to see me. And, surprisingly, he did. I was so relieved when it was him who walked through the door, and not the bitchy shrink I was used to. He had given me a big hug, telling me how happy he was that I was okay, and that he was going to help me get through this ordeal.

I was very hesitant at first to accept his help: I didn't want to be cured. But after talking with him for five minutes, I realized how happy I was to see him again, despite the fact I didn't want any help.

After our first meeting, the hospital set it up so that he could be my permanent psychiatrist for the rest of my stay, and that when I was ready to go home, I would continue extensive outpatient therapy with him.

He made me talk about what happened the night of the bonfire, and how I had felt that night. He made me tell him the reasoning behind why I tried to kill myself. I had told him the main reason was that, now that everyone had found out what happened, I didn't feel like trying to defend myself. I told him I was so sick of fighting against everyone else; I had just wanted it to end. I had felt like no one wanted me around, knowing that I was sending someone to jail for a crime they think he didn't commit.

And most of all, I tell him I did it because of how alone I felt. I felt like no one would ever love me again after what I did, and those who did love me would change their minds. I told him I just wanted to be free. Free of everything tying me to a life I didn't want anymore. Free of the pain and embarrassment.

He took it all in, everything I told him, and then he went to work trying to debunk all of these doubts I had about myself. It took a while, and I still don't believe half of what he said, but he told me that nothing I was thinking that night at the lake was real. He told me my family and friends are all on my side; that they know the truth and they would always love me.

I still doubted this on the day I had received Peeta's flowers and note, and when Cinna came to visit the first time he asked me with a smile, "Do you think someone who didn't care about you would go through all this trouble, just to let you know he was thinking about you?" I had given him a small smile and said "I guess not."

We talked about my dad, which is still an extremely sore subject for me. I had told him why I hated my dad and what he did, and he asked me what I would have done if I were him.

"If you saw one of your children who you loved, dying in the middle of a lake, what would you have done?" I think about this and come to the conclusion I would have acted in the same way my dad did.

I am still angry with him, and have not seen him since that first day in the hospital, but I guess I could understand where he was coming from.

Cinna also reaffirmed me that I wasn't lying about what Cato did to me: Cato had hurt me, and it wasn't my fault, even though Clove tried to tell everyone it was. Cinna had tried to show me that I had a life worth living for, and that trying to take my own life didn't make me an evil person. I still don't fully agree with him, but it did feel good to hear someone say that after all the shit that went down.

I try not to think about ending my life again, I'm trying to accept that I need to be alive, not only for myself, but for everyone who loves me. I still have moments of weakness, where I tell myself it would be easier to just end it and wash my hands of the pain. But through my sessions with Cinna, I have realized that, even though it's hard, having a happy life is worth fighting for, and that's what I'm going to try to do.

Hopefully.

* * *

Today is my last day in the hospital, and I get to go home tomorrow.

The doctors have worked with Cinna, and they have all come to the conclusion I am not longer a threat to myself, but I still need to monitored at all times. I am to be discharged into the care of my family, and will be required to attend outpatient sessions with Cinna four times a week. They warn me that if I miss even one session, I will be ordered to check back into the hospital, against my will.

_I guess it won't be too bad, at least I get to go home. _

I am just finishing my disgusting, tasteless lunch when one of the nurses comes in to tell me something.

"Katniss, there is a young man here to see you. Would you like me to let him in?"

_Ugh, who wants to see me? Can't they just wait? I'm almost out of here._

I relent, telling her "Sure." She leaves the room to go get this young man. I assume it's Finnick, he's written me a few letters in the past couple weeks, some of them very nice, and a few that were typically Finnick.

None of them made me feel the way Peeta's did, though.

If I'm being honest with myself, I actually do miss my friends. It's still embarrassing to think that they know what I did and that I've been in the psych ward for three weeks, but I still miss seeing them. I even miss my mom and Prim. The only person I am dreading seeing is my dad. I don't think I'll ever get over how he betrayed me, no matter how hard Cinna tries to convince me otherwise.

I'm deep in thought when I hear a soft knock on the door. I turn to see the one person I wasn't expecting: Peeta.

He gives me a small smile, his blue eyes sparkling.

"Hey." He says in a raspy voice.

I am shocked to see him here; I didn't think he would actually want to visit me. "Hey." I say as I smile back at him.

He walks into the room slowly, trying to gauge how I'm going to react to his presence. He's the first visitor I've allowed to come to my room, and even though I thought it would make me feel awkward, it doesn't. He comes to stand by my bed, and gestures to the chair next to it. "Mind if I sit?"

I shake my head and say, "No, go ahead."

He sits down and doesn't say anything for a few moments. "Did you get my flowers?" He asks in a small voice.

I smile and say, "Yes I did, they were beautiful. And the note as well, it uh… really helped a lot."

"Good, I'm glad." He's silent again and I don't know what to say. We sit there for a minute or so before he speaks.

"How are you feeling?" I can tell he's grasping at straws, so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Better than I did a few weeks ago, that's for sure." I say with a chuckle. He doesn't laugh back, and I feel like that was a little insensitive. I try to correct it by continuing, "I mean, I do feel better. I'm still struggling with some things, but I think I'm getting there. One day at a time, ya know?"

He nods and his lips lift up into a small smile. His eyes are downcast as we sit in silence yet again, and it's starting to unnerve me.

"Peeta?" He doesn't look at me, his eyes still down to the ground.

_Why is he being so weird? He's usually so good with words._

"Peeta?" I ask again softly. His eyes finally meet mine and I see that they a red-rimmed with unshed tears. The sight takes me back and I don't believe what I'm seeing.

_Is he crying?_

"Peeta, what's wrong?" I ask him, concerned.

"I- I just…." He chokes out, the tears threatening to spill over. I move closer to the edge of the bed and put a hand on his shoulder, looking at him expectantly.

I see the first tear roll down his cheek when he finally says in a choked up voice, "I'm really glad you're okay, Katniss." And with that he stands quickly and sits on the edge of the bed, wrapping me in a tight bear hug.

He startles me a little bit at first, but when I feel him wrap his arms around my shoulders and tuck his face into my neck, I feel enormous comfort. I feel more comfort in this moment than I ever have since the night Cato attacked me. It feels like he is trying to pour every emotion he has into this hug, and I can't help but reciprocate it.

I wrap my arms around his midsection, feeling his body shake with silent sobs. I can feel my t-shirt getting damp with his tears, but I don't care. I'm really glad he's here.

"I'm so glad you're okay." He says again, this time muffled against my shoulder.

"Me too." I say back without thinking.

_What the fuck? Why did I say that? That's not how I felt a half an hour ago. _

_I was anything but thankful to be alive. _

We sit there for another minute holding each other, before he pulls back and sits down in the chair again. He sees the shock still evident on my face, and instantly starts apologizing.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, I shouldn't have done that! I-"

"Peeta!" I shout playfully at him, trying to get him to shut up. He stops and I smile at him.

"You didn't scare me. I just wasn't expecting it, is all." He calms down a little bit and wipes the tears away from his face. All I can do is smile at him and think how sweet he looks right now. I may not know Peeta very well, but I can tell he's sensitive, and I think that is a very redeeming quality.

"So, how is everyone out there? Anything change?" I say, trying to lighten up the mood in the room. He shakes his head, "No, not much. Everyone really misses you, Finnick and Johanna especially. They're driving everyone crazy."

I laugh, thinking about how in character his statement is. "Oh, and I thought you would like to know that almost everyone on the beach that night was furious with Clove after you left."

My eyes shoot up to my hairline at this statement. He sees my expression and continues.

"Yeah, they all told her she didn't know what the fuck she was talking about and that she has a big mouth. I mean, there were a few people who sided with her, but they were all her friends I think. Most people thought that was a really fucked up thing for her to do."

I want to cry at his statement.

I had no idea the others felt this way: I was convinced everyone would hate me after what she said, that they would all blame me for Cato going to jail.

Like he can read my mind, Peeta says, "No one blames you Katniss. Not for any of it. Nothing that happened to you was your fault, please believe me." The desperation in his voice when he says this is my undoing.

I look down at my lap and begin to sob silently.

_What if he's lying? _

_What if everyone does hate me, and he's just saying this to make me feel better? _

_No. _

_He's telling the truth. _

_Will the day ever come when I stop doubting things Peeta Mellark says?_

He sees the tears land on my shirt and tucks his finger under my chin, bringing my head up to look at him.

"Hey," he says softly. "Don't cry. It's okay. A lot of people out there love you Katniss, you just haven't let yourself see it." I stare into his bright blue eyes as he wipes the tears away from my cheeks with his thumb. He gives me a small smile and caresses my cheek tenderly.

"So," he says, changing the subject, "You ready to get out of here? This place is kind of depressing." His statement makes me laugh out loud, and I let out a groan as my head falls back against the mattress.

"Ugggghhh, you have no idea. I hate this place. The food is horrible."

He laughs, and says, "I bet. Are you excited to see your family?"

I nod, "Yeah, I really miss my mom and Prim."

"What about your dad?" My face instantly falls at this question, and he sees it.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have asked that." He says apologetically.

"No no," I say hurriedly, "It's fine. I, uh, love my dad; I'm just… having trouble getting over his involvement in what happened. I'll get there though, one day."

Okay, so I told Peeta a little white lie. The truth is I am still very much infuriated with my father and am dreading having to be in the same room as him. But Peeta doesn't need to worry about that.

He smiles again softly, "Good." We fall into silence again, and I think back to the letter Peeta sent me with the flowers. "Peeta, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, anything!" he says happily.

"Why do you want to take me out on a date so bad? Haven't I given you enough reason to get as far away from me as possible?"

I see the panicked look instantly cloud his handsome face; I don't think he wasn't expecting me to ask him this so bluntly. I can see the gears in his head turning as he formulates his answer.

"I, um- I just, uh…" I smile at his nervousness, thinking it's actually quite cute. He clears his throat as he speaks again.

"Because you're a nice, caring person. I know you'll deny it and say you aren't, and even though you yelled at me when we were little, I've never had anything but admiration for you." I look at him, no expression on my face.

He goes on, "I just knew that when I came back here, I wanted to try to get to know you better, as a friend and maybe more. You've just always fascinated me Katniss. You're not like other girls. You're better." When I don't answer, he takes it the wrong way and starts to panic.

"But please, don't feel pressured to go on a date with me. I completely understand if you don't want to, trust me, it won't hurt my feelings. I'm more than happy just being your friend. I should have known not to ask you, so soon after everything that happened. And I just assumed you would want to go out with me, which is stupid. God, I'm an idiot! I-"

He stops rambling and looks at me, shocked to see that I'm laughing hysterically.

I can't stop myself, and eventually he starts chuckling along with me.

"What's so funny?" He says playfully.

Once I calm down I answer him, and say, "You're really cute when you get nervous and start rambling."

"I'm sorry." He apologizes, a defeated look on his face. He stays that way, but a few seconds later a playful look crosses his face.

"Wait, did I hear that right? Did Katniss Everdeen just call me cute?"

"Maybe…" I trail off, giving him a sarcastically seductive look. He laughs and I try to put his mind at ease.

"Yes, Peeta. I'll go on a date with you. Don't worry about it, I'm really glad you asked." And what I say is the truth. I'm happy to go on a date with Peeta. He's sweet and caring, and I feel really comfortable with him. He grins from ear to ear, and I grin back at him.

"So, you'll allow it?"

"I'll allow it." I say with a wink.

A few minutes later the nurse comes into to tell him that visiting hours are over, and when I look outside I look outside to see the sky is dark.

Peeta's been here all afternoon.

"Okay." He responds to her, a defeated expression on his face. I can tell he wants to stay longer, and if I'm being honest with myself, I want him to stay too.

He stands and looks down at me with adoration, and slowly leans in to give me another hug. I hug him back and rest my head on his shoulder as he whispers in my ear.

"I'll see you soon, Katniss." He pulls back and starts to walk out the door. When he's in the threshold, he turns around to throw me another smile, waving at me. I smile and wave back, and he walks out of sight.

* * *

I crawl into bed that night and barely sleep.

My brain will not let me stop thinking about Peeta. And, after everything that has happened, it's really nice to able to focus my mind on something else.

Like wondering where Peeta is going to take me for our date.

I've never been this giddy about a boy, not even when Cato and I first started dating. There's just something about Peeta that makes me trust him unconditionally, and that scares me a little.

It makes me feel like I'm setting myself up for disaster.

But it also makes me excited. Excited to start a new chapter in my life, with someone new.

_What have I gotten myself into?_

* * *

**I'm going to be honest, this is the first chapter of this story I haven't been completely satisfied with. I sort of wanted to just flash forward her time in the hospital so I could get on to other matters in the story, but I want to make it very clear that she is still struggling emotionally, despite becoming closer to Peeta. She's better, but still not completely okay. I hope that comes across in a way that makes sense, and if it doesn't I apologize. **

**Either way, please PM/review, I'm dying to know what you guys are thinking! Especially about this chapter. Stay tuned, more to come... ;)**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

The next morning, I am in the middle of getting dressed when the doctor comes to tell me my family is here to take me home.

He sits me down to explain everything that should happen once I am out of the hospitals' care.

"The best thing to focus on is your therapy sessions. You are required to go four times a week, like we decided, and must go every time, or you will have to come back here. And I know you don't want that to happen, so diligence is key. Also, here is a prescription for the anti-depressants that your therapist and I have decided are best for you. Once you get it filled, I want you to give it to one of your parents, so they can monitor and administer the proper dosage."

"I have also written down the numbers for the 24/7 local suicide hotline, as well as this hospital's number. If at any time you are having bad thoughts again, don't ever hesitate to call and reach out for help. Okay?"

I nod, trying to take in all this information. He hands me the prescription in his messy Doctor's scrawl and walks me out to the waiting room.

As soon as I enter, I feel my body tense up. While I am happy to see Prim and my mom, my dad is here. I can tell he is looking at me, but I refuse to make eye contact with him. I keep my gaze focused on the other two, and give them the biggest smile I can muster.

My mom is practically holding Prim back from charging at me, and I laugh as I walk over to them. I drop my bag and kneel down, letting Prim maul me.

"I missed you so much, Kat." She whispers excitedly.

"I missed you too, Little Duck."

Once she's done, I stand up to give my mother a big hug. She hugs me back, pulling on my shirt as she does. I can feel her body shaking against mine, and I'm grateful she's here. She kisses me on the side of the head, and lets go. I look down at the ground.

_I refuse to acknowledge him. _

He doesn't make a move to touch me or say anything, and I can't help but be relieved. I bend down and pick up my bag as we make our way out of the hospital.

We pile into the car and head home in silence. The tension in my family is thick right now, and I know it's my fault. No one wants to bring up the elephant in the room.

* * *

When we get home, my dad announces to no one in particular that he is going to the drugstore to drop off my prescription. I ignore him as I walk down the hallway to my room, noticing it hasn't changed at all.

I flop down on the bed, reveling in its softness. After sleeping in a lumpy hospital bed for almost a month, it's good to be back in my own room. I must be really tired, because the next thing I know, I'm waking up and it's nighttime already. I managed to sleep through the whole day, and I feel very rested.

I hear a soft knock on the door, and when I lift my head I see my mom.

"Are you hungry honey? Dinner's almost ready."

Just then I hear my stomach rumble loudly, telling me I haven't eaten anything since this morning.

"Yeah, I am. I'll be right out."

"Okay." She says in her wispy voice, eying me warily as she leaves the room. I go over to my desk and sit down, opening my laptop and pulling up Facebook.

As soon as it loads, I notice I have more notifications than I've ever had in my life.

Almost all of them are wall posts from my classmates, telling me "get well" and "I'm thinking about you."

It's almost annoying to think that most of these people never want to talk to me on a normal day, but after I try to kill myself, they want to make themselves feel better by acting like they were my best friends.

Almost instantly, my mind nags me, reminding me of something Peeta said when he came to visit.

"_A lot of people out there love you Katniss, you just haven't let yourself see it." _

Damn him.

Speaking of Peeta, when I look up at my Friend Requests, there's his profile picture, number one on the list. I roll my eyes playfully at it, thinking that's probably the first thing he did when he got home yesterday.

I press "Accept" without hesitation, and am finally able to go through his profile now that it isn't protected.

He's one of those people who has hundreds of friends and a shit ton of pictures and wall posts, but never updates his status.

I stalk through his pictures, most of them with people I don't recognize or his older brothers, who I barely remember. Nathan and Ryan were their names, I think. They have the same build and features as Peeta, making them look like slightly older versions of each other.

I click on his 'likes' and see that we have a very similar taste in movies and music. They range from Batman, to Game of Thrones, to Family Guy, and to the always-classic "Dude Ranch" by Blink 182. I'm getting a slightly nerdy vibe from the extensive list of books I see on his page, but if he likes reading, more power to him. I've always enjoyed reading, but it's really not my go-to past time.

I'm in the middle of my investigation, trying to find out if he had any past girlfriends, when I hear the New Message tone.

Speak of the devil.

_He doesn't beat around the bush, does he?_

**Peeta Mellark:** _Oh, btw, my phone number is (555) 154-5803. Just thought it might be a useful piece of information for you to have._

**Katniss Everdeen**: _Good to know… __ I'll text you so you'll have mine._

**Peeta Mellark:** _Okay! Feel free to call or text any time of day, it doesn't matter when. Just know you have someone always willing to listen _

**Katniss Everdeen:** _Haha I probably will, so expect my call._

What the fuck is wrong with me? Who is this new flirty Katniss?

**Peeta Mellark:** _Great. And if I were you, I would give Johanna a call before she loses her shit. I think she disowned me when she found out I went to see you without her. _

**Katniss Everdeen:** _Oh please, Jo's still likes you. If you learn anything, it's that you have to take most of what Johanna says with a grain of salt, or she'll ruin you life haha._

Just then I hear my mom call me for dinner, and wrap up this slightly awkward but devastatingly cute conversation.

**Katniss Everdeen:** _Well, I got to go; my mom is calling me for dinner. I'll see you soon! _

**Peeta Mellark:** _Hahaha okay, see you later _

I log out and close the computer, and sit there for a minute, smiling to myself.

I like that Peeta has a slightly dorky side, another quality I find very attractive in him. I walk out of my room and down the hall, trying to prepare myself for possible the most awkward, tension-filled dinner I will ever experience.

How right I was.

* * *

Even though my mom went through the trouble of making Lamb Stew, my favorite dish, this is one of the worst dinners I've ever had to sit through. No one says anything, and the only sound in the room is forks and knives hitting plates.

I sit across from my dad, each of us on one end of the table. I keep my eyes on my plate, feeling like the tension in the room is suffocating me. I hate that what I did had such an effect on my family. My mom sighs and turns to me, trying to make conversation.

"So, honey, do you think you're going to go back to school? Your teachers gave me all your make up work."

"Yeah, I probably will. I just want to get it over with." I say in a low voice.

"Well good, I don't blame you." She says, and then falls silent. A few minutes later, she tries again.

"Oh, you should probably call Johanna after dinner. She's left a few not-so-nice messages on the home phone as well as my cell phone. You should try to put her mind at ease with how you are."

She laughs at this, and I can't help but chuckle at how she confirms what Peeta just told me.

"Yeah, Peeta said her and Finnick have been impossible the last couple weeks."

"Oh, when did you talk to Peeta? Is he back in town?"

She asks in a surprised voice. I realize I never told her Peeta was moving back to Panem.

"Yeah, he's moved back here to go to college in the fall. I've seen him a couple times, and he came to visit me yesterday afternoon."

"Peeta came to visit you?" I hear Prim ask me in a sad voice. I can see the hurt look on her and my mom's face, and that makes me feel a little guilty since I didn't let either of them come see me.

"Yeah, but just the one time. He also sent me flowers a few weeks earlier."

"So, I take it you guys are friends this time around? I seem to remember a very irratable little girl coming home from kindergarten, telling me she hated Paata Mellark because he was a sneaky liar." She says in an amused voice.

I smile at her statement and say, "Yeah, we're friends. I apologized for being mean to him, but I don't think he held it against me anyways. He's really nice."

"Oh, I don't doubt it. His father and I were close friends in high school, and he was such a nice man. If Peeta grew up to be anything like him, he'd be a good friend to have. I just hope he didn't inherit any of his mothers' traits…"

"What about Peeta's mom?" I ask.

She looks hesitant, probably debating how much she should tell me.

"Oh, well, let's just says she wasn't the nicest person. We always wondered how a nice person like Walter Mellark married such a witch like Katherine. But, they had three kids, so he must have liked her enough to tolerate her attitude."

"No, Peeta doesn't sound like he takes after her. He's really sweet. He actually asked me out on a date."

_Shit, I probably shouldn't have said that. _

I see the look of surprise on my mother's face, but before she has time to respond my dad butts in.

"Do you really think that's a good idea right now? To go on a date with someone you barely know?"

I force myself to look at him and see hurt, anger, and apprehension written all over his face. I give him my best don't-fuck-with-me stare, and answer back.

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes, I told him I would go. Peeta wouldn't hurt me."

"Didn't we all think that about Cato, too?" He throws back at me.

His words are like a stab through my chest.

I don't think he said them to be hurtful, more like a warning, but they infuriate me nonetheless.

Our eyes are locked on each other, neither of us saying anything.

I can't believe he would accuse Peeta of being anything like Cato, when he doesn't even know him. I throw my napkin down on the table and stand up roughly, scraping my chair against the floor.

"Peeta is _nothing_ like Cato." I say venomously, trying to keep my voice from cracking. With that I leave the table and walk to my room, slamming the door as hard as I can behind me.

* * *

I sit on my bed the rest of the night, seething.

_How dare he say something like that, he doesn't even know Peeta. _

_Well fuck him, I'm going to do what I want and there's nothing he can do stop me. _

_As far as I'm concerned, he isn't even my father anymore. _

I lie there, staring up at the ceiling when I hear my phone start to ring. I fumble around for it on the bed, and answer it without looking to see who it is.

"Hello?"

"Hey brainless, it's about time you answered my call."

"Hey, Jo." I say with a smile, my anger momentarily gone.

"I miss you so much, Kat. Finnick is driving me up the fucking wall asking me about you. I told him I haven't seen you, but he doesn't believe me."

"Well, tell him I'm thinking about him too and I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"You bet your ass you will. I've got my eye on you, Everdeen. You're not getting away from us that easily."

I laugh at her statement.

"So, a little birdie tells me that Bread Boy has asked you out on a date?" cringe at the nickname she's given Peeta, (Once Johanna appoints someons a nickname, it never leaves them) and confirm her statement.

"Yeah. He had asked me out the night of the bonfire and again in a note he sent with flowers to the hospital. And when he visited me, I told him I would go."

"He sent you a note, flowers, AND came to visit you? First of all, why the fuck was he allowed to visit and I wasn't? And second, he must be head over heels in love with you to still put up with you and all your shit."

"I let him visit because it was my last day, and shut up! He's not in love with me; he just wants to get to know me better, as a friend. He told me that himself."

"Uh-hu, I'm sure that's what it is. I guess only time will tell. All I know is that you've been my best friend since preschool and I've had it up to here with you. He's been here two months and doesn't seem fazed…"

"Whatever." I laugh at her.

"Oh, by the way, you'll be happy to know Clove probably won't be showing her pretty little black-eyed face around school any time soon, so there's no need to worry about that."

"I don't even want to know." I tell her as I sigh through the phone.

"That's too bad, it's a hell of a story." She says.

We talk for a little longer before I tell her I'm tired and have to go to bed.

"Okay, but Kat, if you need anything, call me. Or Finn, or even Bread Boy. You know we're here for you, and you're going to get through this whether you like it or not. We love you."

"I love you too. Goodnight, Johanna." I say teasingly.

"Night."

I hang up and put on my pajamas, brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I'm just turning out the light when my dad comes into my room, a glass of water and one of my new pills in hand. He walks silently to my side table and sets them down, while I look anywhere but at his face.

I can tell he wants to sit down on the bed and hug me, but that is the last thing I want right now. I just want him to leave. He turns to go, but stands at the end of my bed, looking at me sadly.

"I'm sorry about what I said, I didn't mean it. I know Peeta is a good boy. I just don't want to see you suffer anymore, Katniss."

I can tell he's on the verge of tears when he continues in a defeated voice, "If you being mad and shutting me out of your life if what you need to do to get better, then so be it. I understand your hurting, baby. And I know you hate me. I would rather you never talk to me again, if it meant you were able to go on and have a happy life. Just know that I love you more than anything, and I don't regret what I did, because you're here now, and that's all that matters."

And with that he gives me another sad look and leaves the room. I sit there, thinking about what he said.

I knew when he said that thing about Peeta being Cato he didn't mean it, but it still made me so angry. My dad used to be my best friend, and now it feels like I'll never get that back, even if I were to get over my anger.

He'll always be the one who had seen me at my absolute worst, and I don't know how he can stand to be around me.

I miss my daddy, but at this point my anger and hate for him outweigh the good times we've had. I turn off my light, and try to go to sleep.

_Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive him. Or maybe I never will. _

_All I know is that having to face him like this makes me wish more than ever that he had never found me._

* * *

**Please review/PM! Let me know what you're thinking/feeling/or what you think is going to happen. I love anything you guys send me! xoxo**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

The days turn into weeks, and slowly but surely things start to fall back into place.

I start up at school again, having mostly caught up on my make-up work and tests. I walk the halls with as much confidence as I can, still uneasy knowing everyone knows what I did and where I've been for the past few weeks.

While most people smile at me and say "Hi", which is something they never did before, there are still a select few that give me dirty looks. I've accepted it though; these people don't need to be in my life anyways.

True to her word, Johanna must have really laid Clove out, because when I see her, I can tell her nose is slightly crooked and the skin around her eye still looks a little dark. We make eye contact, and she gives me a look mixed with hatred and fear, but she doesn't say anything. I avoid her as much as I can, but to be honest, I think she's the one trying to avoid me.

While things are going better at school, my home life still leaves a lot to be desired. My father and I are still on very shaky ground, having shared no more than ten words since the night of his little speech. I've felt my anger towards him start to wane over the past few weeks, but I think my stubbornness is stopping me from forgiving him. Half of me hopes that one day I will be able to have a relationship with him again, and the other half just wants him to know that I'm still resentful.

This is a main topic I bring with me in my daily sessions with Cinna, and he does his best to switch my train of thinking towards my father, but I don't feel like it's working. When he asks about my friends, I tell him they are all treating me the same as before my attempt, and they have been a great support.

"That's very good," he says while smiling. "And what about Peeta? Did anything ever come of that?"

I smile at the mention of Peeta, and nod. "Yes, actually. He came to visit me the day before I got out of the hospital and we talked all afternoon. He's become a good friend of mine. He even asked me out on a date, another thing my father and I disagreed on."

"Oh really, what happened?"

"Well, I told my family that Peeta had asked me out, and my father rhetorically asked me if I thought that was a good idea, and then proceeded to compare Peeta to Cato."

Cinna takes this in and asks me, "Do you think you're ready to start dating again?"

I look at him, a little stunned at his bluntness. "I don't know. Maybe? I mean, dating and going on one date are two completely different things. Peeta is so nice, and if anything this is more like two friends hanging out having fun. I don't think he is expecting anything serious, we just want to get to know each other better."

Cinna nods and accepts my answer. "Well, it is up to you when you think you are ready to start another relationship. Just know that Peeta or anyone else should not pressure you into it. This has to happen on your own time, or it could end very badly. You understand that, right?"

I nod, a little defeated. Why doesn't anyone have faith in me that I know what I'm doing?

* * *

We end the session for the day and my mother drives me back home. It's Friday night, and I invited the girls to come over and watch movies, but Johanna is the only one who could make it. A few hours later, Jo and I are sitting on my bed, halfway through a terrible romantic comedy and a half-eaten pizza between us. Jo is on my computer, scrolling through a mindless celebrity gossip site when I hear the New Message tone from my Facebook go off.

"Ooooo, someone has a new message. Let's read who it's from…" She teases.

"Give me my computer, Jo." I say, reaching for the device. She pulls it away and clicks to the Facebook tab.

"Just as I suspected, it's the golden-haired baker."

"Jo, give it to me!" I say louder, trying to lean over her to grab the computer.

She begins to read dramatically, "Hey Katniss! Sorry to get back to you so late, I've been a little busy. I was wondering if you wanted to do something tomorrow night? Maybe get some pizza or go see a movie or something…"

I finally overpower her and snatch the computer away, my anger over the situation causing Jo to fall into a fit of laughter. I give her a dirty look and re-read the message for myself. "Oh, come on Kat! He so wants you. The boy is like sex on a stick and obviously wants to skewer you."

"You are vile." I spit back at her. "And wrong. He doesn't want that, he's just finally asking me out on the date I told him I would go on a few weeks ago. Not everyone has a dirty mind like you, Johanna."

"They do when they're an eighteen year old boy." She retorts back. I roll my eyes at her and try to think of something to type back to Peeta.

Johanna speaks again, but this time the teasing is absent from her voice. "Kat, I know Peeta is a good person, but promise me you'll be careful. Don't just jump into another relationship again. Give yourself time to heal, please."

"God, why does everyone think that one date with Peeta means I'm devoting the rest of my life to him? It's one date that is more to get to know each other then anything."

"I know, just promise me you'll be careful."

I look at her and see the sadness in her eyes. She probably thinks that if this goes bad, I will relapse and slip into another depression, or worse. I want to tell her that I'm fine, but the truth is I'm afraid of that happening too. But for some reason I have faith that I will gain a good friend in Peeta from this, and that chance trumps my fear at the moment.

"I promise." I say with a small smile. She smiles back, and the playfulness returns to her voice.

"So, what are you going to say back? Send him an ambiguous sext, something that says you want a boyfriend, but don't need a boyfriend, like

'Yes, I would love to spend time with you. I want to see if all those years of kneading bread paid off…' It's not too forward, but gives him an idea what a little sex kitten you can be… "

"Oh, God…"

* * *

After forcing Johanna to be quiet so I could think of something to say, Peeta and I decide to go to dinner at this little Italian restaurant in town that is known for their pizza. I offered to meet him there, but was relieved when he insisted on picking me up, because I don't have a car. I'm more nervous than I want to admit about this date, but am looking forward to it at the same time.

I fear that, because Peeta knows what happened and what I did to myself, it will be awkward and we won't have anything to talk about. I tell my mom this, and she does her best to calm me down.

"Honey, I'm sure you will find something to talk about. When in doubt, ask him about himself. Boys love to talk about themselves." She says with a smile.

When I told her about my date tonight, I could see she had the same worries Cinna and Johanna did. But in the end she was surprisingly lenient, and made me promise to text her every now and then to tell her where I was and what we were doing. I rolled my eyes at this, but I can understand where she is coming from. I know she told my dad about my date, but he hasn't said anything to me. Yet.

I'm standing in front of my closet, freshly showered with my hair back in a braid and a robe around my body. The restaurant is pretty casual, so I go with some black jeans and a soft purple top. I slip some sandals on and sit at my vanity to start my makeup. I never really wear a lot of makeup, mostly on special occasions, but I figure I should probably make more of an effort tonight.

I'm just putting on my foundation when Prim walks into my room, startling me a little bit.

"Whatcha doin?" she asks innocently.

"Just putting on my makeup." I say back.

"For Peeeeeeta?" she drags on, giving me a teasing look. I give her a dirty look.

"No, not for him. I'm doing this to look nice for myself. Is that so bad?"

"Uh-hu." She says, grinning. I continue my makeup, but Prim eventually takes over, and if I'm being honest, she does a better job on my makeup than I usually do.

"The key to makeup is to make it look like you're not wearing any." She says professionally.

"Jeeze, since when did you become a makeup artist?"

"Since ten minutes ago." I laugh at her, and start putting my makeup away when I hear the doorbell ring. I look at the clock and see that it is 5:58, so it must be Peeta because he said he would pick me up at 6:00. Prim gives me a teasing smile and I walk down the hall to answer the door.

When I open it, Peeta is standing on the other side, and my heart skips a little. He looks so good, (dare I say hot) wearing a pair of dark jeans that cling nicely to him and a dark blue shirt that makes his eyes look even impossible bluer. He's also wearing a casual black jacket, and it looks like he got a hair cut because now his hair is fairly short, when it used to hang a little in his eyes.

He smiles softly at me, his eyes quickly scanning my body, taking in what I'm wearing.

"Hi, Katniss." He says brightly.

"Hey Peeta. Would you like to come in? I just need to grab my purse and a few other things."

"Sure, take your time." I hold the door open as he walks in, and I leave him standing in the living room as I go to my room to grab my purse and try to calm myself down.

_Holy fuck, he's here. He's actually here, and he looks so fucking good. _

I'm breathing heavily as I chastise myself for thinking these things.

_Get your mind out of the gutter. There's no way he wants you like that. No one does. He just wants to be friends, that's it. _

I can feel my chest tightening, and I beg my body to get it together. The last thing I need is to have a panic attack right now.I take a few minutes to compose myself, and grab my purse off the desk. I check to make sure I have money and my cell phone, and start to walk back to the living room.

I'm about to round the corner when I hear a deep voice I know all too well speaking firmly in a hushed tone, and I must be catching the end of the conversation.

"I'm trusting her with you, but if she gets hurt again, I won't hesitate to do what I need to do to protect her. She's been through enough, and I won't see her suffer any more."

I am appalled my dad is threatening Peeta like this right before our date. He has absolutely no right to be this way; Peeta hasn't done anything wrong. I am fuming as I round the corner, trying to save Peeta the trouble of having to respond to this bully. I plaster a fake smile on my face and ask Peeta, "Ready to go?"

He nods, and I can see the terror of my dad's threat instilled on his face.

"It was nice to meet you, Mr. Everdeen." Peeta says politely.

"You too, Peeta." My dad responds in a cold, warning tone. Peeta audibly gulps as we walk out of the house, and I refuse to even look at my dad.

We walk to his truck and he opens the door for me. I thank him and slide in as he closes it and makes his way to the driver's seat. When he sits down I can tell his conversation with my dad really rattled him up, as he appears very nervous and shaky.

I try to ease his mind by saying, "I'm sorry about whatever my dad said to you. He and I are still not getting along and he had no right to do that."

"No, no, it's fine. Really." Peeta says quickly. "I understand where he's coming from. Dads should have the privilege of trying to scare off the new date. I know if I had a daughter, I would do the same thing." He says through a laugh, but I can tell he's still a little shaken.

I smile and say again, "Well, I'm sorry anyways."

"Don't be." He grins.

He puts the car in reverse and backs out of the driveway. We start to head down the road, when Peeta speaks up again. "By the way, you look really nice tonight."

I can see the sincerity in his eyes when he says this, although I'm not used to taking compliments, so I give him an awkward thank you and reply, "You look nice too."

He smiles, but I can see his pale cheeks turn a shade of rosy pink. It gives me a sense of relief that as nervous as I feel, it seems like Peeta feels it worse.

The drive to the restaurant is mostly silent as I try to create a list in my head of things to talk about with him. I can't think of anything but the past few months I've known him, and I am all of the sudden dreading this date.

* * *

When we get to the restaurant, Peeta parks and hops out of the car, opening my door for me chivalrously. I normally think these types of things guys are expected to do for girls are stupid, but it seems so second nature to Peeta that I just let it go. I wonder how many girls he's done that for.

_Whoa, where the fuck did that come from? _

We walk into the restaurant and are seated immediately, and given a breadbasket and some water. We spend some time looking over the menu, and finally decide to split a pepperoni, mushroom and black olive pizza.

"Are you sure that's okay? We can get something else if you like?" I ask him.

"Oh no, that's perfect! I'm glad you suggested it, it sound great."

"Okay." I reply silently.

We sit there in silence until the waiter comes to take our order, and then we sit in silence some more. I wish I could just force myself to start a conversation, but the tightness in my chest is preventing me from doing so. I look down at my hands, wishing I never agreed to come on this date.

Finally, I hear Peeta clear his throat as he says, "Katniss, please, if you don't stop talking I might go crazy." I look up at his serious face, not being able to tell if he is joking.

His mouth betrays him and he smiles wide at me, laughing at me confusion. I start to laugh with him, and just like that the tension between us lessens dramatically.

"I'm sorry I'm no fun to be around." I apologize.

"Oh, please, don't be ridiculous. You're perfect." I can see his cheeks redden a little when he says this, and mine redden as well.

He sighs and says, "How about we play a game? Let's play 20 questions."

"Okay." I reply. "You first."

He thinks for a second and says "Favorite color?"

"Green. You?"

"Orange. But not a harsh shade, more soft. Like a sunset."

This makes me smile, and now it's my turn to ask him one.

"Okay, favorite movie? And please don't say The Notebook, because I know that's not true."

This makes him laugh and he thinks the question over for a little bit. "I would have to say my favorite movie is probably Indiana Jones."

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah, I love all those movies, but Raiders of the Lost Ark is the best. I wanted to be him so bad when I was little. I'm pretty sure I dressed up with a hat and a whip for, like, five years straight on Halloween."

"Those are great movies." I agree.

"What about you?"

"Mine is a tossup between Robin Hood and Dumb and Dumber." He looks a little suprised at my answer.

"Interesting. Both very different, but classics nonetheless. My brothers and I were obsessed with Dumb and Dumber. Still are."

For the next hour and a half we ask each other questions back and forth as we eat.

I learn that his favorite band is The Clash, his favorite subject in school besides Art was English, his favorite breakfast food is French toast with a cup of tea (no sugar), and he got into the habit of double-knotting his shoelaces after he tripped one time and careened into a cake he had been working on.

I learn that he likes to sleep with the windows open, and his oldest brother is already married with a baby on the way.

"Just call me Uncle Peeta." He says with an excited laugh.

Even though this night started out rough, it is honestly one of the best nights of my life. Talking to Peeta is so much fun, and he always knows the right things to say. I learn that we have a lot in common, and it's really nice to be able to talk to someone with the same interests.

Our pizza was delicious, and when I ask the waiter to split the check, Peeta refuses to let me pay for my half.

"It's my treat, I insist. I'm the one who dragged you out here, the least I can do is pay for a pizza." I sigh heavily and relent.

"Thank you. But you didn't drag me here, I was happy to come."

He smiles softly, and after he pays we leave the restaurant.

"So, where do you want to go now?" He asks me.

I think about it, and get in the car, telling him, "Come on, I know the perfect place to go."

* * *

When we get to the boardwalk, there is a gentle breeze coming in from the ocean, making the air feel crisp and clean. We walk along the wooden path, talking about this and that, just enjoying each other's company. It feels good to take a nice walk after a heavy dinner. Even though I've gotten better, my stomach is still sensitive and feels weird if I eat too much.

I've really liked being with Peeta tonight. I regret so much how I treated him when we were little, I feel like I missed out on a great friendship all throughout school because of how I acted. He is so nice and intelligent, but also really down to earth at the same time.

I can tell from the way he talks about working in the bakery and his art that he is also very talented at drawing and painting and sculpting things. He just makes me feel so at ease, and even though we hardly know each other, he makes it feel like we've been friends for years. His smile is so encapsulating, and it feels like he smiles at me a lot more than I deserve.

It's true: I don't deserve someone like Peeta. He deserves a nice, beautiful girl who will treat him the way he deserves to be treated and who will be as caring to him as he is to her. I am definitely not that girl: I'm a selfish bitch who probably shouldn't even be thinking about dating anyone ever again.

_Not that anyone would ever want me. _

_No one wants to have to take care of a damaged person._

"So that was my favorite painting I ever did. Camping out on the beach with my brothers to watch the sunrise was spectacular, and I know the painting I did off my picture of it doesn't even come close to being as beautiful, but it was still a good memory."

"What did you do with the painting?" I ask.

"I entered it into a few art shows and used it as my final for my art class junior year. I wanted to give it to my parents, but my mom didn't want it because she said it didn't match the décor in any of the rooms. I was about to either throw it out or donate it when my brother told me he and his wife wanted it for their new house, so now it's I their living room."

I can hear the sadness in his voice when he talks about his mother. I know there is a story behind it, but I don't feel like it's my place to ask him what it is.

"Well good, I'm glad he has it. I hope I can see it some day."

"Yeah, I hope so too." He says softly.

When he looks up, the sincerity I see in his eyes makes my heart soar. It's true when they say there's still good guys out there, and Peeta is one of them.

So many men our age are taught that being an asshole and getting into drinking an doing drugs and being stupid is what's cool, or that's what will get you the most friends.

And then there's Peeta, who takes such pride in his work, and who's best memory is camping on the beach with his brothers to watch the sunset.

Peeta Mellark will grow up to have a wonderful life and fill it with people who are capable of as much love as he is. I know he will.

We walk along, still looking at each other with soft gazes, when all of the sudden Peeta trips and falls to the ground. He lets out a surprised cry and tries to brace himself with his hands. I look and see that the end of his pant leg got caught on one of the nails in the boardwalk.

But it's not the tear in his pants that catches my eye.

It's the metal I see peeking out from under the material, where his ankle used to be.

He doesn't see me looking, and when he tries to free himself, the pants ride up even more, revealing a silver rod-looking prosthetic leg in place of his real one. I stand there, frozen in shock.

_I didn't know Peeta lost a leg? Why didn't he say anything about it? How did it happen? _

I push my questions aside as I bend down to help him up, but it's too late. He's seen the look on my face and knows I saw something he obviously didn't want me to see.

"Are you okay?" I ask him.

He takes my outstretched hand and stands up as he nods. "Yeah, thanks."

I give him a small smile and we continue walking. The atmosphere around us has completely changed from the beginning of the evening, and what was once an easy, conversation-filled night is now full of silent tension. I want to ask him about his leg, but I don't want to be nosy or rude, because it might be a sore subject.

But my curiosity is getting the better of me.

_If I ask him, what's the worse that could happen?_

_I don't think he would get mad at me, if anything he'll just tell me he doesn't want to talk about it. _

I make up my mind, and in a small, unthreatening voice I ask, "How did it happen?"

He looks at me with a piercing gaze, but it doesn't look like he's mad, more hesitant and embarrassed. He doesn't respond for a minute, and I take that as a silent refusal to answer, when he finally speaks in a soft, child-like voice.

"It happened when I was twelve." He begins.

"My brothers and I had hiked down to a new creek to try by our house. We loved going out to explore the creeks and rivers around the area, so that weekend had been no different than any other. This one had deep water and jumping rocks, which we loved. We spent all day there, jumping and swimming in the creek. We had walked up to one of the higher rocks, and my brothers dared me to jump off it first."

"It looked to be pretty deep water, and I wanted to show them I wasn't the baby they though I was. I jumped off, and when I landed, both my legs buckled and cracked. It turned out the water was actually only about two feet deep; it just looked much deeper from up above. When I landed, me left leg got wedged between two rocks underwater, and my right leg landed with most my weight on it. It was the most intense pain I've ever felt in my life, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, but I couldn't get out because I couldn't move my legs to swim."

"There was blood everywhere and my brothers freaked out and had to carry me all the way back home. I blacked out from the pain as soon as we reached the house, and the next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital without my left leg and the other one in a cast. I had broken both my legs in multiple spots, but they couldn't save my left one because it was beyond repair and the bone had cut through one of my major arteries. I had to be in a wheelchair for about seven months, and then on crutches for another four before my mom finally relented and gave me the money to get a prosthetic."

"She said I didn't need one, and that I was just fine with my crutches. But being in school this whole time, I was teased about not having both my legs and being the handicapped kid, so I got really depressed. I couldn't snap out of it, and at my mother's refusal my dad finally stood up to her and got me to see a psychologist. His suggestion for the prosthesis finally convinced her to get me a fake leg because he said it might help my depression and give me more confidence, but she wasn't happy about it. And throughout the years it's been harder and harder to convince her to pay for an upgrade, because I keep growing out of them. And it's the cheapest on e on the market. My dad wants to help, but my mom controls the all the finances in our family. Hopefully soon I'll have saved enough money working in the bakery to pay for it myself, because this one is really starting to hurt more and more every day."

When he finishes this story, I don't even notice the tears running down my face.

To think that someone as caring and beautiful as Peeta had to suffer such a traumatic event absolutely breaks my heart. And to think his mother would treat him like this makes me want to rip the woman's head off.

"Oh my god Peeta, I had no idea. I-I'm so sorry." I pull him into a strong hug, letting my tears stain his shirt.

He wraps his arms around me and says in my ear, "Don't be. I didn't tell you that so you would feel sorry for me."

I can sense the embarrassment in his voice, and when I pull back, his eyes won't meet mine.

"Peeta," I say as I lay my palm on his cheek, "You have nothing to be embarrassed about. What happened to you doesn't make you any less of the amazing person everyone knows you are. You're the most brave, selfless person I know, and what happened to you doesn't define who you are. No matter what anyone says."

He gives me a small smile, and cocks his head with a laugh.

"Funny, I could say the exact same thing for you."

And with that he starts walking back the way we came.

* * *

**Hello everyone! I am sorry this update took me so long, I've been packing and moving things into my new apartment at school, so it's been a little cray cray the past few weeks. I start school this Thursday, so the updates may take a little longer, but I PROMISE I won't abandon this story! I have every intention of finishing it, and I hope you guys have every intention of reading it! :) **

**As always, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review! I love them!**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

The ride back to my house is mostly silent.

After Peeta's confession about his leg, we had walked back to the care quietly, and what had been a fun, light evening had turned awkward and tension-filled. The worst part is that he basically told me he doesn't think I'm fucked up, which is just a bold-faced lie.

_He was just saying that to be nice, there's no way he would actually think that. _

He pulls up to my house and turns off the ignition. We both sit there, waiting for the other to say something.

He takes a deep breath and says, "I had a really good time with you tonight. I'm sorry I ruined it with such a gruesome story. I would take it back if I could."

I finally look up at him to see hurt and apology written all over his face. His blue eyes are shining, and he looks like someone just told him there is no Santa Clause.

"Oh Peeta, you didn't ruin the night" I say consolingly. "I had a great time too. That was the most fun I've had in a long time." He gives me a small smile, but I can tell he doesn't believe what I say. I just wish I could take that hurt look off his face.

Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, "Do you want to do it again? You know, go on another date?"

I can tell I've taken him by surprise, and after a few seconds he sputters out, "Ar-are you sure? You really don't have to do this Katniss, I'm happy just being your friend. You don't have to overlook the fact th-"

"Overlook the fact that you're an amazing, kind person?" I cut him off before he can say something demeaning about himself. "Or the fact that after everything that's happened, you've still stuck around long enough to become my friend?"

He is silent, a blank expression on his face. I lower my voice a little and in a calmer, soothing tone say, "I really care about you, Peeta. And what happened to you doesn't change who you are, or how I feel about you."

He looks down at his lap and is quiet. He's acting like he's never been told any of this before.

_Surely someone has tried to help him move past what happened with his leg, how could they not? _

"Are you sure?" he asks in a childlike voice. I can see the unshed tears in his eyes, and it looks like it's taking everything in him to hold them back.

I gently lay my hand on his cheek, and reply softly, "I've never been so sure of anything in my life." And with that I lean in and give him a tight hug, and rest my forehead on his shoulder. It isn't long before I feel him wrap his arms around me, squeezing just as hard.

I can feel the shake in his arms, and with one last squeeze, I pull away and look at his face. The water in his eyes is gone, and all I see are crystal clear pools of blue. I smirk and turn to open the car door.

"I'll call you." I say playfully before I get out make my way up to my house.

When I get to the front door, I turn and wave back to him. I can see him wave at me through the window, and it's not until I'm inside the house that I hear him drive away.

* * *

I don't see Peeta for the next few days.

We talk on the phone all the time, asking each other how our day was and just discussing random stuff. I still haven't figured out where I want to take him for our next date, as I told him that it's my turn to ask _him _out.

Peeta makes me feel so comfortable, not only with him but also with myself. Sure, those negative thoughts are still there, but I've noticed that when I'm talking to him, I just sort of start to forget everything bad in my life and focus on us. He makes me feel like I matter, and although I've always had that feeling from my friends, Peeta makes me feel it in a different way that I can't explain.

I know I shouldn't be getting to attached to him, it's only a matter of time until he wakes up and realizes he doesn't want to be with someone who is as fucked up as me.

_Because that is all I will ever be. I will always be the girl who was normal until she tried to commit suicide over a rape she could have prevented._

* * *

I've arrived early for my appointment with Cinna today, eager to tell him about these new feelings. He listens attentively when I tell him about dinner, and the walk along the boardwalk, and how funny and sweet Peeta is. I even tell him about what happened to Peeta's leg, and although I feel kind of bad about it, I know Cinna will keep it a secret.

"See, I told you that some good would come out of befriending Peeta. Because of what happened to him, I'm sure he understands some of what you're going through, and it's always good to have someone to lean on. Are you going to see him again?" Cinna asks me.

"Yeah, I told him this time I would be the one planning our date, but I haven't decided where to take him yet…"

I trail off and Cinna says, "Well, I'm sure you'll think of something." He quiets for a moment before giving me a serious look.

"Katniss, I know you trust Peeta, but please promise me you'll be careful. Trust me when I say this: don't rush your relationship. And don't be pressured into doing anything you aren't ready to do. From what you've told me, Peeta seems like he is very respectful and has a good head on his shoulders, but if something makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell him and not let yourself get put into a vulnerable position."

I take in his insinuation and nod my head. I know he's right, but I know Peeta would never do anything to hurt me. He knows what it's like to be hurt, and I know he would never want to inflict any type of pain on anyone else.

"Well, not to bring the mood down, but we should probably talk about the trial coming up at the end of the week."

_Fuck. _

I've been trying not to think about Cato's trial at all. I just want to push it out of my mind, but every day that passes makes my chest tighten with dread, something even being with Peeta can't fix.

"Yeah, I know." I say, almost a whisper to myself.

"Do you think you'll go?" he asks me.

I close my eyes and think about it. I don't want to go. I really, really don't want to go.

I don't want to hear lawyers talking about what happened that night. I don't want doctors to tell everyone in the room about the state I was in when I brought myself to the hospital. I don't want to look up and see his face, a face that still gives me violent nightmares.

When I don't answer, Cinna continues, "Well as you know you're lawyer Mr. Abernathy has asked me to come testify on your behalf, and of course I will do anything I can to help you. But I want you to think about coming to the trial. It could give you the closure you need to put this part of your life behind you and move on. Just promise me you'll think about it?"

I nod, "Yeah, okay. I'll think about it." He leans over and pats my knee.

"Good. But don't stress yourself out about it. Just focus on school, and having a good time with your friends. And Peeta." He says as he winks.

* * *

Friday rolls around and I still haven't made up my mind if I am going to the trial tomorrow or not. Haymitch is pretty positive they won't call me as a witness, but there is still a chance I might have to go up and testify.

In fact I wouldn't be surprised if Cato does make his attorney call me up. He's ruined my life so far; why not make me rehash it in front of a whole courtroom.

I get home from school and fling myself down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

I'm lost in thought when I head my phone buzz. I pull it out of my pocket and instantly smile when I see a text from Peeta.

**Peeta Mellark:** _So, is saying you're going to ask me out and then not talking to me your way of letting me down gently, or….._

I chuckle at his text and reply.

**Katniss Everdeen:** _Maybe….._

**Katniss Everdeen: **_No, the truth is I've been trying to think of a place to go. It was only after I insisted I make the plans that I remembered I can't plan for shit haha_

**Peeta Mellark**_: haha it's okay. You know, if you really can't think of anything, I have a few ideas up my sleeve… and it could give you time to think of something to do the next time we go out._

I let out a huff at his suggestion, but eventually relent when I decide he is the better plan-maker of the two of us.

**Katniss Everdeen:** _Fine, fine. But wherever we go I'm paying for both of us. I'm not letting you get out of it so easy, Mellark._

**Peeta Mellark:** _Whatever you say, Your Highness :P I'll pick you up at 7._

**Katniss Everdeen:** _Okay :P_

* * *

By the time it's seven o-clock, it's already gotten dark outside and the temperature has dropped significantly. I'm sitting in the passenger seat of Peeta's truck, trying to get him to spill where we're going.

"Oh come on, just tell me!"

"And ruin the surprise? I don't think so." He replies in a cheeky tone.

I huff in mock frustration, and he looks over at me and smiles. His smile is so captivating; I can't help but smile back.

We drive for about another fifteen minutes, and I am confused when he turns off the highway onto a dirt path leading into the foliage. I don't know where he's going, and I think he sees the confusion on my face.

"Don't worry, I promise I'm not trying to be creepy. This is just the best way to get there."

I smile, but I can feel the anxiety creeping into my chest. I trust Peeta completely, and know he would never hurt me, but driving into the dark isolation, away from the town, is starting to make me nervous. I feel like if something were to happen, I would be stuck in the middle of nowhere.

I'm just about to suggest something else we could do, perhaps a little closer to civilization, when I see a clearing up ahead. We drive through it, and almost instantly all the tension leaves my body.

I see a massive meadow in front of me; it has to be at least ten acres big. Lush trees surround it, and I can tell the grass is thick and healthy. There's a good-size lake on the far side of the clearing, and Peeta is headed straight for it. When we get close to it, he puts the truck in reverse and backs up the bed of it to face the lake.

He parks, and smiles when he sees the happiness on my face. This place really is beautiful, and I wonder why I've never come here before. And how does Peeta know about it?

He hops out of the car, and I do the same and meet him at the back of the truck. He opens the bed, and I notice a picnic basked tucked away in the corner, along with a big, thin blanket and a lantern. He hops up into the truck, grabbing the blanket and laying it neatly over the dirty floor. He grabs the lantern and flicks the switch, turning on the light bulb inside.

The light it gives off is soothing, but bright enough for me to see everything inside the bed of the truck.

"Well, come on!" He laughs, and comes over to me to help me up. I grab his arm and hoist myself into the truck, and we settle down in the middle, the lantern between us.

He grabs the picnic basket and opens it up, and I can smell all the delicious food all the way from over here. He begins pulling things out, and they all look amazing.

There are containers of some sort of creamy-looking pasta, a salad that looks light and crunchy, sodas, water, and something I haven't seen since his family moved away when we were little.

Peeta's brought cheese buns.

I am instantly taken back to when I was a tiny kid, and Prim was just a baby. On the last day of every month, my father would come home from work with two cheese buns from the Mellark Bakery, one for me and one for him. We didn't have much money at the time, so splurges like this were very rare, but I could always count on him to bring me a cheese bun at the end of the month.

I would get so excited, and he would bring them out on the back patio with us, and he and I would sit down on the porch steps and savor them.

My father would make me tell him what the best part of the month was for me, and also what I hoped would happen the next month. Every month I would tell him that that day, sitting on the porch eating cheese buns with him, was my favorite day. He would laugh and kiss my forehead, and I felt like the happiest girl in the world.

Of course, as soon as the Mellark's left Panem, our tradition went away.

My father tried to make new traditions for us to do, but I was getting older, and it was never the same, anyways.

I feel a sudden surge of sadness course through me, and I can feel tears prick the back of my eyes. I am so lost in through, I don't hear Peeta saying calling my name.

"Katniss?"

I look up and see worry all over his face. I smile and choke back the tears.

"Huh? What?"

"Are you alright? You just kinda zoned out for a second."

"Oh yeah, I'm fine." I smile and he looks relieved.

"Cheese bun?" He holds out the container, and I take one. When I bring it to my lips, I am transported ten years into the past. They taste exactly how I remember, maybe even better. The bun is golden on the outside, but soft and gooey with cheese on the inside.

I let out an embarrassing moan as the taste invades all my senses, and I hear Peeta chuckle across from me. "That good, huh?"

"You have no idea." I say. "I haven't had these since you moved. My dad and I used to eat them together."

"Well, now that I'm back, I plan to keep you fully stocked. Cheese buns 24/7."

"I can't argue with that."

He laughs, and we dig into the rest of the meal. It is delicious of course, and really relaxing. It's so quiet out here, except for the sound of crickets and nature. The air feels so fresh, and I am really glad I made Peeta choose what we did tonight. We eat in silence, throwing in the occasional comment here and there. I like being with Peeta, because I don't feel like I have to keep up the conversation. I just enjoy having his presence, and he seems to enjoy mine.

When we finish dinner, he pulls out dessert, which consists of delicious, soft sugar cookies with intricately piped frosting on top, not doubt done by Peeta. I sink my teeth into one and revel in its sweet taste. I look up to see Peeta staring at me, and I feel self-conscious until I recognize the look on his face. I've seen it before, but not this obvious.

Peeta's looking at me with what I've come to understand is adoration.

His eyes are sparkling and a soft, tender smile plays across his lips. I don't understand why he would ever adore me; I'm nothing but an ugly fuck-up. I don't think I will ever understand Peeta, and whatever our friendship is turning into can't be good.

He deserves someone better than me; someone who will treat him as kindly and caring as he treats them. And I'm just not that girl.

"What?" I say after I catch him staring.

"Nothing." He says softly, still smiling.

I brush it off and say, "Thanks for dinner, it was delicious."

"No problem, thanks for coming with me."

"Of course. It's beautiful out here." He nods and is quiet again.

"So, why did you bring me all the way out here, in the middle of nowhere?"

He chuckles and replies, "Because it's really peaceful. And it's the perfect place to see the fireworks."

"Fireworks?" I ask, confused. "What fireworks?"

He smiles and tilts his ear up to sky, pretending to listen to something carefully. I'm confused as to what he's talking about when all of the sudden there is a bright flash of light in the sky, and a loud boom as a firework goes off overhead. It's in the distance, but I can see it perfectly over the tops of the trees in the clearing.

"Those fireworks." He says.

Another one goes off, and it's only then that I remember tonight was the start of football season at school, and every year at the first home game, they shoot off fireworks.

I look back to Peeta, and he's giving me a brilliant smile, the color of the fireworks reflecting off his blue eyes as he looks up to watch them.

I suddenly feel the urge to cry, and I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I'm really nervous about the trial tomorrow. Maybe it's because Peeta is so thoughtful and sweet. Maybe it's because his cheese buns remind me of what I lost with my dad. Maybe it's because he brought me all the way out here for a night of beautiful fireworks. Maybe it's because he takes such pleasure in little things, like cooking and seeing bright lights pop in the sky.

Maybe it's because I really like him, and I can't think of a way to convince him he deserves so much better than me.

Maybe it's because when I think about this, it makes me not want to let him go.

Maybe it's because I think I'm starting to fall for him, and it's scaring me more than anything that's happened in the past six months.

He looks away from the sky and back to my face, seeing the tears on my face I wasn't even aware of until now. His smile is replaced with a look of concern, and he stands up and makes his way over to me. He sits down and slowly pulls me into his arms, leaning against the back of the truck.

"Shhhhh, shhh. Katniss, it's okay. Shhh, I'm sorry."

I grab onto his sleeves and tuck my face into the collar of his shirt. The fireworks are still going off overhead, and their beauty just reminds me of what I'll never be.

I'll never be beautiful or amazing. I'll never be full of life or colorful.

I'll just always be me, a broken, disgusting person who no one will ever love again.

Not Peeta, not my friends, not my parents. I'll be alone the rest of my life and I know it's what I deserve, but the thought still scares me.

Peeta pulls me closer and gently starts to rock me in his arms.

"It's okay, Katniss. Let it out. You're okay. You're safe."

I continue to cry while he holds me, and even though my mind is plagued with malicious thoughts, it's so incredibly nice to be held and comforted. I didn't know I was missing this kind of comfort until Peeta came back into my life.

I don't know how long we sit there, but eventually I pull away after the fireworks have ended and look at Peeta. He has a soft frown on his face, and his eyes carry a certain sadness. He cups my face in his large hands, and wipes the tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

I look into his eyes and at his handsome face, taking it all in. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world, rather than right here with him, in the bed of his truck.

In a soft voice through my tears, I whisper, "Thank you, Peeta. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for being my friend."

His frown fades and he looks down and gives me a sad, mournful smile. He whispers back, "No need to thank me. I should be the one thanking you. I've wanted to be you friend for so long, Katniss. Thank you for giving me the chance."

Our faces are inches away, and I can feel his hot breathe on my face. I look into his bright blue eyes, and am positive I see my reflection in them. I don't know why, but he obviously sees me differently than I see myself. I know I should question it, but in this moment I can't bring myself to care, because being with him has made me happier than I can ever remember being.

He's still cradling my head as he looks down at me, and before I even know what I'm doing, I can feel our faces getting closer and closer. I touch my lips against his as light as I dare, and I can hear his sharp intake of breathe as I do. My whole body is tingling and it feels like a jolt when our lips meet.

I press my lips against his a little harder, and as I lay my hand on his chest, I can feel his heart beating erratically against it. The action makes me smile, and I move my face even closer to his, completely sealing our mouths together.

After a few seconds, I slowly begin to open my mouth, and I feel Peeta reciprocate the action. We do it a few more times before I feel his tongue lightly caress my lower lip.

His action brings back memories of kissing Cato like this, and for a moment I tense up in panic. But then I remember this is Peeta.

Peeta, who would never hurt me. Who has only done good in the time I've known him. Who has a heart the size of a mountain. I wonder briefly if I will ever be able to kiss, or do anything else, with anyone ever again without my mind wandering back to Cato, but right now I push it out and focus on where I am.

With Peeta.

He traces my tongue again, and this time I slowly touch my tongue to his. He tastes like sugar and cinnamon, and I'm beginning to think the stuff is in his DNA. He opens his mouth a little wider, and kisses me a little more forcefully this time. I kiss him back with just as much vigor, and completely lose myself in the sensation.

This is the most tender, caring kiss I've ever had, and I want to burn it into my memory.

We keep this pace for a few minutes before I reluctantly pull back and look at him. He looks worried, like he's done something wrong, so to ease his tension I give him my sweetest smile.

I place my hand on the side of his face and kiss his cheek softly, before leaning my head against his chest and wrapping my arms around his torso. The thumping of his heart under my ear sends shivers down my body, and I think it's my favorite sound.

He wraps his arms around me and gently kisses the top of my head before resting his head against mine. We don't say anything as we sit there, listening to the chirps of the crickets and the gentle slosh of the water.

I feel my eyes drooping shut, and decide to close them, just for a minute.

* * *

I must have fallen asleep for a while, because when I wake up, it's pitch black outside and our lantern has almost burned out.

I also notice I finally had a period of sleep, however long it was, where I didn't have any nightmares.

I life my head and can faintly make out Peeta's face. His head is tilted back, and he's looking up at the stars in the sky, a peaceful look on his face.

He sees me staring and looks down at me, cupping my cheek.

"You about ready to go back?" He whispers.

"Yeah, I should probably get home. Unfortunately." I say back sadly.

He kisses my nose lightly before standing up and jumping out of the truck, down to the ground. He turns around and helps me down, and I head to the passenger seat while he secures everything in the trunk so it won't fly away.

Not long after, we are heading out of the meadow and back towards my house. Peeta leans over and takes my hand in one of his, squeezing it gently. I squeeze back and smile at him, wishing we could have stayed out here all night.

The car ride is too short as he pulls up to my house, killing the engine. We sit there, looking at each other, waiting for the other person to say something.

When I can tell he's just content looking at me, I smile and say, "Thank you. I had an amazing time tonight."

"So did I. We'll have to do it again sometime."

"Yeah, but I'm picking what we do." This makes him laughs as he nods, knowing he's going to be the one coming up with the plans.

"Well, bye." I say softly as I make a move to open the door.

"Katniss, wait." I turn back around to look at him, and I see his face has taken on a much sadder tone.

"Uhm, I just wanted to let you know I'm always here for you. If you ever need me to come over, or just want to talk, you can always call me, no matter what time of day."

I nod, and it looks like he has more to say.

Taking a deep breath, he continues, "I know the trial is tomorrow, and I would understand if you don't want to see me again after that. I know you've been through hell, and the last thing I want to do is make you feel pressured to do something you don't want to do or aren't ready for. I meant it when I said I'm more than happy just being your friend."

"Oh, Peeta…" I begin. I don't know what to say. How can he think after tonight I still don't want to be with him? I know getting into a relationship so soon after what happened is dangerous, but I trust Peeta with my life, and that risk is worth it to me.

"You're not pressuring me. You're the kindest person I know, and I have never felt anything but ease when you're around. And tomorrow isn't going to change anything. After tomorrow, I'm starting a new chapter in my life, and I want you in it more than anything."

He smiles lovingly at me, and as reassurance I lean in to kiss him again. His lips are so smooth, and I have to force myself to pull back after a few moments. While the kiss is more than nice, I lean in and wrap my arms around him in a bear hug. He must understand, because he does the same thing as I feel his strong arms enclose around me.

I have never felt safer than I feel in Peeta's arms, and I hope that is a luxury that never goes away.

I finally let him go, and look at him one last time before I open the door and exit the car. I go up the walkway to my house and turn back one last time to wave. I enter the house and close the door, hearing his truck pull away.

I make my way down the hall to my room, passing my parents open door on the way.

I see my dad is asleep, and my mom is next to him reading a book with her dim tableside lamp.

"Hey, how'd it go?" she whispers.

I smile as I say, "It was great. We had a lot of fun."

I can see relief mixed with joy flash across her face, and she replies, "Good, I'm glad. Have you decided what you want to do about tomorrow?"

My mood instantly falters as I think about what awaits the new day. I think it over for a minute before answering. "Yeah, I think I want to go."

She gives me an understanding nod, before saying, "Okay, then we'll go. But if we're going, you should get to bed soon because we have to get up early."

"Okay." I make a move to leave, but think better of it and walk quietly into the room, and give her a good night hug. She kisses me on the side of the head, and I walk back out and down the hall to my room.

I shut my door and put on a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants, and crawl into bed. The weight of the comforter gives me the same feeling of being wrapped in Peeta's arms, warm and safe.

I shut my eyes and am out before I can even register how tired I am.

* * *

"_Oh yeah baby, I know you want it. Just enjoy it, it'll feel good. Just remember I love you…" _

I jolt up wish a strangled cry, sitting upright and thrashing in my bed. I can feel my shirt sticking to my back from sweat, and my eyes frantically search the room for danger. I recognize where I am, and take a deep breath to calm myself down.

_It was just a dream, it was just a dream_ I chant to myself.

Once I can breathe again, I lie back down and stare up at the ceiling. The fact that my mind replays what Cato did to me that night when I sleep makes sleep very unappealing, and of course after having a nice night with Peeta, I would have one of the worst nightmares since the attack.

_Peeta._

I look over at my phone on the nightstand and see that its 3:45 in the morning. I know I shouldn't, but right now I desperately want to hear the sound of his voice.

I pick up my phone and dial Peeta's number, and put it to my ear as it rings. The ringing is hypnotic and I'm falling asleep again when I hear him pick up in a raspy voice.

"Hello? Katniss?" He says, and I smile when I think about how cute he sounds when he wakes up from sleep.

"Hey."

"What's the matter? Are you okay?" He asks, somewhat panicked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just wanted to hear your voice."

I wait for him to make fun of me for this, but am surprised when he doesn't.

"Oh. Well, it's nice to hear yours too. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I just had a nightmare, that's all."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help. Do you want me to come over there?"

"No, you don't have to. I know you're tired, and my family is asleep." I reply.

"Okay. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep?" He offers.

"Yeah, I think I'd like that." I say softly.

"Okay." I can hear the smile in his voice, and I put my head down on the pillow and wedge my phone under my ear.

I whisper "Goodnight Peeta."

"Goodnight Katniss." I hear him whisper back. I close my eyes, and let the sound of his breathing lull me back to sleep.

When I wake up, sunlight is streaming through my window, and when I look at the clock next to my bed I see it's almost 7:30 in the morning. I figure I may as well get up now, and I'm sitting up when I feel something cold and hard under my cheek. I see my phone and remember the events of last night. I pick it up and hit the home button, and am surprised to see the call time is at two hours and forty-five minutes, and still running.

I put the phone to my ear and say, "Hello? Peeta?"

The only response I hear is the sound of his light snoring on the other end of the line. He must have fallen asleep shortly after me last night and forgot to hang up.

I sit there for a minute and listen to it, wishing he were here with me right now. I eventually press the end button on my phone, terminating the call. I pull up my text box and shoot him a quick message.

**Katniss Everdeen:** _Thanks for staying up with me; you didn't have to do that. It means a lot. See you soon__**.**_

I set my phone down and head to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I get back, I'm greeted with a new message.

**Peeta Mellark:** _Katniss, if this is ever going to work you have to stop thanking me for things I am more than happy to do. You text or call me any time you want, I'll always be there for you. Be strong today, I'll see you soon._

* * *

**Hello all! I want to apologize profusely for the lateness of this chapter. *hangs head in shame* I was being lazy about it and put off writing it for a long time, but now that it's done I feel really relieved. Again, I am VERY sorry about the delay and I will try to make the next update much sooner. Hope everyone is having a great week! **

**PLEASE REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! I will love you forever if you leave something for me! 3**


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